Buy a Pentium. It can reboot faster...

HOW TO BUILD A WEB PAGE IN 25 STEPS


1. Download a piece of Web authoring software ~ 20 minutes.

2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page ~ 6 weeks.

3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it ~ 20 minutes.

4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site ~ 1 minute.

5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like ~ 4 days.

6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again ~ 25 minutes.

7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do ~ 15 minutes.

8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there ~ 4 hours.

9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software ~ 1 minute.

10. Try to horizontally line up two related images ~ 6 hours.

11. Remove one of the images ~ 10 seconds.

12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone ~ 4 hours.

13. Download a counter from your ISP ~ 4 minutes.

14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number 16.3 E10" ~ 3 hours.

15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text ~ 8 hours.

16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP ~ 40 minutes.

17. Accidentally delete your complete web page ~ 1 second.

18. Recreate your web page ~ 2 days.

19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server ~ 3 weeks.

20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP ~ 30 minutes.

21. Download FTP software ~ 10 minutes.

22. Call your friend again ~ 15 minutes.

23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server ~ 10 minutes.

24. Connect to your site on the web ~ 1 minute.

25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps ~ eternity

IT woordenboek voor beginners.

Zo moeilijk is het allemaal niet...

Display Dis plee Deze w.c
Debugger Die bukker Aanwijzen van degene die voorover staat
gebogen
Monitor Moonie-tor Alom gevreesd houtkevertje
Host Hoost Het regent
Add Ed Jongensnaam
Addressing A-dressing Eerste klas slasaus
Allocate Ellokeet Soort schafthuisje
Alt Alt Zangstem
Area Arieja Zangstuk
ASCII Ask kie In het Engels om een sleutel vragen
Assign Asijn Zure vloeistof; zit meestal door de sla
Asterisk Asturisk Normandisch stripfiguur
Attach Ettetsj Op poten voortbewegende apparaten uit Star
Wars
Attributes Ettrieboets Soort kaplaarzen
Authorize Autooreis Een autoreisje
Auto-dial Autoodeil Onderdeel van 'n Trabant
Auto-list Autoolist Slimme manier om een kortere weg te nemen
Bad sector Bed sektor Plek in een bed
Batch Betsj Teken op padvinderskleding
Bit Bit Deel van een paardenhoofdstel
Broadcast Broodkast Kasten voor broden
Browse Braus Nieuw soort bruistabletje van Bayer AG
Bug Buk Commando om voorover te buigen
Byte Bijt Ergens de tanden in zetten
Cache Kesj Contant betalen
Cache memory Kesj memmorie Betalingsherinnering
CAD/CAM Katkam Gereedschap van kattentrimmer
Call Kol Kraag van een trui
Cam Kam Hoofdgereedschap
Cancel Kansol Spreekgestoelte van geestelijken
Carriage-return Kerriejits-return Terugkeer van een rijtuig
Cartridge Kaart-rits Serie kaarten
Cause Koas Kaassoort uit de achterhoek
Channel Sjennul Frans parfum
Character-set Kerrektur-set Stel vreemde figuren
Check-bit Tjek-bit Halfjaarlijkse tandcontrole
Chip Sjip Krokant zoutje
CI-split Zie split Jurk met hoge zij-opening
CICS Kiks Voetbalschoenen
CICS-print Kiksprint Snelle ren op voetbalschoenen
Clear Klier Vervelend persoon; meestal directe collega
Compiler Kompijler Commando om brugpijler te laten zakken
Copy Koppie Klein hoofd
Crash Kresj Peuterspeelzaal
Cross-check Kros-sjek Mislukt gerold sigaretje
Delete Du liet Verkeerd lidwoord voor zangstuk
Density Den sittie Belgische binnenstad
Diskdrive Disk drijf Platenzaak met wateroverlast
Diskette Diskkette Winkel met cd-roms
Double-strike Dubbel strijk Bowlingterm
Driver Drijver Persoon op luchtbed
Drum-storage Drumstoritsj Tabakswinkel
Edit Edit Meisjesnaam
Endless Entles Einde les
Enter-key Enturkie Huissleutel
Escape S-keep Cape van Superman
Exception Eksepsjun Popgroep uit de jaren 70
Execution queueEksekjoetsjun kjoe Vuurpeloton
Extent Ekstent Oude tent
Fail Feel Een heleboel
Fault Folt Eenheid van spanningssterkte
Field Fielt Scheldwoord
Field-mark Fieltmark Duitse munteenheid
File Feil Soort schuurgereedschap
Flag Flek Vuil plekje op kleding
Flow Floo Klein insect dat jeuk veroorzaakt
Format Foormat Voordeurkleedje
Frozen period Froosenpiriot Laatste IJstijd
Gateway Keetwee Limburgs voor "Ga weg!"
Group Kroep Indonesische generaal
Helpdesk Hellupdesk Bijzettafeltje
Hidden file Hidden fijl Verborgen gereedschap in taart voor
gevangene
I.S.N. Ei essen Duits ontbijt
Incore In koor Samenzang
Jam Sjem Vruchtencompote
JES2 Jestoe Twee maal ja zeggen
Job Jop Arme kerel
Jobcard Jop kaart Arme kerel klaverjast
Jump function Sjumpfunksjun Springspieren
Key-board Kiebord Sleutelplankje
Kilobaud Kilobaut Mestoverschot
Lan Lan Graad in Oosterse vechtsport
Leave Lief Aardig, vriendelijk
Linkstation linksteesjun Gevaarlijke plek waar supporterstreinen
aankomen
List List Stiekeme streek
Load Loot Zwaar metaal; hangt ook aan Hema-worsten
Lock Lok Plukje haar voor ogen
Loop Loep Vergrootglas; ook: 'n zuiver iets
Macro Maakroo Groothandel in levensmiddelen
Microfiche Miekroovish Zeer klein visje
Mount Maunt Hoogste berg van Zwitserland
Nesting Nesting Vogelactiviteit
Note Noot Harde vrucht; ook: in gevaar
Occupy Okjoe-pei Soort monnikskleding
Offline Oflijn Van de regel afwijken
Olivetti Oolievettie Dik soort Italiaans olifantje
Online Onlein Aan de lijn doen
Operator Oopurreetor Chirurg
Overflow Oovurfloo Genetisch gemanipuleerd insektje
Pack Pek Teer, asfalt
Page-stealing Peets-stieling Plagiaat
Paper jam Peepursjem Heet soort broodbeleg
Pascal Paskaal Net geschoren
Pending Pen ding Dopje op schrijfgerei
Power-check Pouwersjek Zware Van Nelle
Privat Prijvet Overblijfsel na het bakken van een groentesoort
Punch Punsj Drankje
Push-button Poesjbutton Rond speldje met poezekop
RAM Rem Pedaal in auto's
Ready Reddie Soort bakvet
Recordcount Rekkortkaunt Platentelling
Reference Reffuruns Amerikaanse dominee
Retrieve Rietrief hondenras
Return-key Rieturn-kie Sleuteloverdracht
ROM Rom Bijnaam voor Duitse woestijngeneraal
Scratch Skrets Jeuk
Seek-time Siektijm Ziektewet
Service Servies Bij elkaar horend stel koppen en schotels
Session Sesju Net een voldoende
Size Sais Gevaarlijk landbouwwerktuig
Skip Skip TV-buideldier
Spacebar Speesbar Ruimtecafé
Specify Speesiefei Iets met kruiden bestrooien
SPLITV Splitvee Slager
Spool Spoel Stortbak
Stacker Stekker Apparaat voor wandcontactdoos
Statistics Staatistiks Bekend merengebied in Finland
Status Staatus Haags voor "sta eens op"
Stepname Stepneem Diefstal van autoped
Syntax Sintaks Belasting voor zondaars
Tape Teep Bandage voor voetbalenkels
Toner Toonur Exhibitionist
Trace Trees Meisjesnaam
Track Trek Honger
Trailer Treelur Aanhangwagentje voor vrije jongens
Trim area Trim ereeja Hondenkapperszaak
Up Up Borrelend drankje
User Joeser Verslaafde, junk
Very off Ferrie of Vertrek van veerboot
Volmac Volmaak Utrechts voor "perfect"

Top Ten Reasons Computers Are Male


10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

Computing Acronyms


PCMCIA : People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN : It Still Does Nothing
APPLE : Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM : I Blame Microsoft
DEC : Do Expect Cuts
CA : Constant Acquisitions
CD-ROM : Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 : Obsolete Soon, Too
SCSI : System Can't See It
DOS : Defunct Operating System
BASIC : Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
WWW : World Wide Wait

Top 20 Things Programmers Say When Their Programs Don't Work
 
20. That's weird....
 
19. It's never done that before.
 
18. It worked yesterday.
 
17. How is that possible?
 
16. It must be a hardware problem.
 
15. What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?
 
14. There is something funky in your data. OR It's a data problem, not a program problem.
 
13. I haven't touched that module in weeks!
 
12. You must have the wrong version.
 
11. It's just some unlucky coincidence.
 
10. I can't test everything!
 
9. THIS can't be the source of THAT.
 
8. It works, but it hasn't been tested.
 
7. Somebody must have changed my code.
 
6. Did you check for a virus on your system?
 
5. Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
 
4. You can't use that version on your system.
 
3. Why do you want to do it that way?
 
2. Where were you when the program blew up?
 
And the Number One Thing Programmers Say When Their Programs Don't Work:
 
1. "It works on my machine..".

Here are some conversations that actually happened between help desk people and their customers.

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

Customer: "Excuse me can I use this disk? It has a hole in it.

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Customer: "Now what do I do?"
Tech Support: "What is the prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "It's asking for 'Enter Your Last Name.'"
Tech Support: "Ok, so type in your last name."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
HOW THE SOFTWARE INDUSTRY WORKS

Programmer to Team Leader:

"We CAN NOT do this proposed project. It will involve a major
design change and no one in our team knows the design of this
system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the
language in which this application has been written. If you
ask my personal opinion, the company should never take these
type of projects."

Team Leader to Project Manager:

"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we
don't have any staff who has experience in this type of work.
Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to
arrange for some training if we take this project. In my
personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of
this nature."

Project Manager to 1st Level Manager:

"This project involves a design change in the system and we
don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many
people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In
my personal opinion, we would need more time than usual to
complete it."

1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager:

"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some
people who have worked in this area and others who know the
implementation language. So they can train other people. In
my personal opinion we should take this project, but with
caution."

Senior Level Manager to CEO:

"This project will demonstrate to the industry our cap- abilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy
system. We have all the necessary skills and people to
execute this project successfully. Some people have
already given in house training in this area to other
staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not
let this project slip by us under any circumstances."

CEO to Client:

"This is the type of project in which our company specializes.
We have executed many projects of the same nature for many
large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most com- petent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It
is my personal opinion that we can execute this project
successfully and well within the given time frame."

HOW TO PLEASE YOUR I.T. DEPARTMENT

[A quick check list for those who need to make contact.]

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to
leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby
pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies
and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it
deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the
error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for
coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your
password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver
passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not
what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know
that you can't get into your mail because your computer
won't power on at all.

5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high
importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk
right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to
serve.

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks
it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support.
There's electronics in it.

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call
computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid
of, call computer support. We're collectors.

11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an
I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no
description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens
don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good
argument.

13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there
shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how
many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least
20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send
the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is
bound to work.