A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night.

5% said it was to get a glass of water,
12% said it was to go the toilet,
83% said it was to go home...

HOW TO IMPRESS YOUR GIRLFRIEND

Please feel free to share this with the younger members of your family . Here is a fairly extensive compilation of some of the extraordinary sexual activities that can be performed by men:

1. Tea bag - As you are sitting on a girl's face, repeatedly dip your scrotum in and out of her mouth, similar to a tea bag in a cup of hot water. An old favorite.

2. Hot Lunch - While receiving head from a woman, you shit on her chest. (a.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)

3. The Stranger - Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

4. Donkey Punch - Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up.

5. Golden Shower - Any form of peeing on a girl. (aka: watersports)

6. Pearl Necklace - Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl, it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry.

7. Coyote - This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty skank and you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore, you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of this situation. Can be very painful.

8. Purple Mushroom - This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.

9. The Flying Camel - A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl. Strictly a class move.

10. Double Fishhook - From the doggy-style position, you hook your pinky fingers in her mouth and pull back to achieve deeper penetration.

11. The Ram - Again, you're attacking from behind, when you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.

12. Dog in a Bathtub - This is the proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.

13. The Bronco - Back to reality with this classic. You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really enjoying it, you grab onto her tits as tightly as possible and yell another girl's name. This gives you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to buck you off.

14. Pink Glove - This frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet enough. When you pull out to give her the money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.

15. The Fountain of You - While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before releasing, spewing like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed)

16. New York Style Taco - Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down on her, you puke on her box. Happy trails!

17. Dirty Sanchez - While banging a girl doggy style, quickly stick 2 fingers deep into her starfish, then reach around and wipe the residue on her upper lip, providing her a mustache.

18. Western Grip - When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use; hence, western.

19. The Blumpkin - You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her suck you off while you're on the shitter.

20. The Bismark - Another one involving oral sex. Right before you are about to spew, pull out and shoot all over her face. Follow that with a punch and smear the blood and jism together.

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories False.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories
Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private dance and hotel room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to discuss your
feelings............Priceless.

TOP 20 Bumper Stickers for Women

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES,SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE... WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

REJECTION LINES (and what they actually mean)


10. I think of you as a brother.
=You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance."

9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
=I don't want to do my dad.

8. I'm not attracted to you in "that" way.
=You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.

7. My life is too complicated right now.
=I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.

6. I've got a boyfriend
=I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.

5. I don't date men where I work.
=I wouldn't date you if you were in the same "solar system", much less the same building.

4. It's not you, it's me.
=It's you.

3. I'm concentrating on my career.
=Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.

2. I'm celibate.
=I've sworn off only the men like you.

1. Let's be friends.
=I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.

Many many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.

"SBF( single, black, female) Seeks Male companionship. Age
and ethnicity unimportant. I'm a young, svelte, good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting/camping/fishing trips. I love cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours."

Call 555-2525 and ask for Daisy.

The phone number was that of the Humane Society, and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador retriever. They received 643 calls in two days.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me arse was wed
Me Mudder

Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee if I could not
Me Mudder

And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum
Me Mudder

Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart
Me Mudder

Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me shit
Me Mudder

When at night her bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peak
Who yelled at me to go to sleep
Me Fadder!

"A new survey shows that the more female you are physically, the harder it is to be taken seriously in business. For example, women with very large breasts have a harder time being promoted than women with penises."

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been
giving me lately!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

As seen on a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't put on his pants.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

Behind every great man is a great woman. And behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!

When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"
The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

I promised my wife a mink for her birthday -- if she would promise to keep his cage clean.

The average woman prefers beauty over brains because the average man can see better than he can think.

"Trying to change a woman's mind is as useless as whispering up a dead mule's ass."

Menstruation: A bloody waste of time.

Making Love: What women do while they're getting fucked.

My wife says I never listen to her. At least, I think that's what she said.

People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. It's TRUE!
Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage!

Parents spend the first twelve months of their children's lives
teaching them to walk and talk,
and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shutup.

In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.