Helpdesk via e-mail: Klant: "Ik kan geen email meer versturen of ontvangen. Help!"
Helpdesk mailt na enig nadenken terug: "Jawel hoor."
Helpdesk: "Klik op het icoontje van 'mijn computer' aan de linkerkant van het scherm."
Klant: "Bedoel je links voor jou of links voor mij?"

Klant: "Ik heb een groot probleem. Een vriend van mij heeft een screensaver op mijn computer gezet, maar iedere keer als ik de muis beweeg, gaat hij weg!"

Een helpdesk-medewerker vertelt: "Ik krijg een telefoontje van een klant die niet op het Internet kan. Omdat ik met die man de instellingen door wil nemen, vraag ik hem of hij achter zijn computer zit. De man antwoordt dat hij niet achter de computer zit waarop ik hem vraag of hij dan achter de computer wil gaan zitten. Vervolgens hoor ik wat gerommel en zegt de man dat hij achter de computer zit. Ik vraag aan de man wat hij nu ziet. Waarop de man antwoordt: 'Allemaal kabels.'"

The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and

a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog and the dog is

there to keep the man from touching the computers.

Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138
mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclass- ified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff. One
day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the
air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two
flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was
currently processing.

I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling
the room. The computer is over here."
How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll have to go out and
buy the lightbulb adapter card first, which is extra.
At a recent computer software engineering course, the
participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that
your team of programmers had been responsible for the
flight control software, how many of you would disembark
immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat
motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that
he would be quite content to stay aboard. With his team's
software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as
far as the runway, let alone take off.

Een engelse automatiseringsdeskundige, een scheikundige en een werktuigbouwkundige,beiden nederlands, rijden samen in een auto. Plotseling slaat de motor af. Ze stoppen op de vluchtstrook. Zegt de scheikundige: "Volgens mij ligt het aan de mengverhouding van de benzine." Zegt de werktuigbouwkundige: "Volgens mij is er iets mis met de aandrijving." De automatiseringsdeskundige zwijgt. Na een tijdje zegt de natuurkundige tegen de automatiseringsdeskundige: "got an idea?" "Yes", zegt hij: "Close windows and restart it,maybe it will work."

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

A woman went to a computer dating service and said she didn't
care about looks, income or background. All she wanted was a
man of upright character.

Then a man came in and told them the only thing he was
seeking in a woman was intelligence.

The service matched them together at once because they had
one thing in common - they were both compulsive liars.

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when
they have problems with their computers. One night he got a
call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this
question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.
Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education pro- gram at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap
in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.

My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.

"What are all these books?" he asked.

Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.

"Really?" he said. Someone printed out the whole thing?"

Een klant kon geen verbinding maken met het internet.
Helpdesk: "Weet u zeker dat u het juiste wachtwoord gebruikt?"
Klant: "Ja, dat weet ik zeker. Ik heb het een collega zien doen".
Helpdesk: "Kunt u mij zeggen welk wachtwoord dat was?"
Klant: "Vijf sterretjes."

My kids love surfing the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on sticky notes.

One day I noticed their password was "BatmanSupermanRobinJoker". And so I asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

"When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a
local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the
printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the
store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might
be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the
job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your
boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it is my boss's idea," the employee replied
sheepishly.

"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try
to fix things themselves first."

TO MY DARLING HUSBAND,

I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company
envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the
deception, but I thought you should know what's been going
on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright,
handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the
arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All
the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair
and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud
of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a
lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and
quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole
afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen
despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was
out.

I am doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was
delighted to discover that it really was more fun.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier
since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed and
that the feather duster makes you sneeze. The house is in
good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm
not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut
air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski
trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a house- keeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep
things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals
to the computer room just the way you like it. I hope you
and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone.
Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us
while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary

A man attempting to set up his new printer called the tech
support number, complaining about the error message:

"Can't find the printer."

On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in
front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it!

Tech support people like me spend our days on the phone with
customers. Many like to chat while waiting for their computers
to reboot. One man told me he'd been a long-haul truck driver.

I'd love to drive a big rig," I said, "but I'd worry about
falling asleep at the wheel."

"Here's a tip to stay awake," he offered. "Put a $100 bill in
your left hand and hold it out the window."

This is very serious, so read it carefully. Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national system. Beware of...

1. THE ALGORE Virus....(Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)

2. THE CLINTON Virus....(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)

3. THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus...(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)

4. THE LEWINSKY Virus...(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)

5. THE RONALD REAGAN Virus....(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)

6. THE MIKE TYSON Virus....(Quits after two bytes)

7. THE OPRAH WINFREY Virus....(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)

8. THE JACK KEVORKIAN Virus...(Deletes all old files)

9. THE ELLEN DEGENERES Virus...(Disks can no longer be inserted)

10. THE PROZAC Virus...(Totally screws up your RAM, but your Processor doesn't care)

11. THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO Virus...(Only attacks minor files)

12. THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Virus...(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)

13. THE LORENA BOBBITT Virus...(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

A woman called the Canon help desk because she was having a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."

The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his is working just fine."

He hacked into the school computer to change his grades. Then the school hacked into his home computer and deleted all his games.

Guy #1: "You'll never believe this. If you play an AOL 7.0 CD backwards you can hear all kinds of evil and satanic messages!"
Guy #2: "That's nothing--if you play it forwards, it installs AOL."