Training for Women
 
 Women think they already know everything, but wait...
 training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
 
 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
 
 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
 
 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
 
 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
 
 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
 
 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
 
 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
 
 8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
 
 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
 
 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
 
 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
 
 12. Introduction to Parking
 
 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
 
 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
 
 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
 
 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
 
 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
 
 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
 
 19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
 
 20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
 
 21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
 
 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
 
 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
 
 24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
 
 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

Men Etiquette

Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally
killed or beaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save his master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game"
e. When his date is using her teeth

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a friend's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddies birthday is optional.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

-=- How to Shower Like a Man -=-


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed

and leave them in a pile on the floor.

Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your

girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in

your gut to see if you have pecs. (no)

Turn on the water.

Check for pecs again. (no)

Get in the shower.

Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one).

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Wash your penis and surrounding area.

Wash your ass.

Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

Make a shampoo mohawk.

Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of the shower.

Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your

girlfriend/wife, flash her.

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing It's the only type of

cooking a "real" man will do:



When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.



(1) The woman goes to the store.

(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a

tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to

the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the

vegetables.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the

woman.

(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."



And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's

just no pleasing some women.

TOP 10 MALE REJECTION LINES



10. I think of you as a sister.

You're ugly.


9. There's a slight difference in our ages.

You're ugly.


8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.

You're ugly.


7. My life is too complicated right now.

You're ugly.


6. I've got a girlfriend.

You're ugly.


5. I don't date women where I work.

You're ugly.


4. It's not you, it's me.

You're ugly.


3. I'm concentrating on my career.

You're ugly.


2. I'm celibate.

You're ugly.


1. Let's be friends.

You're sinfully ugly.

The old saying goes ....

Men fall in love with the women they are physically attracted to

Women learn to be attracted to the men they fall in love with

(and bless them for it)

How To Crap Like A Man

1. Select reading material.

2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

5. Open reading material and relax.

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

9. Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the bowl.

*Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the paper.

11. Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.

12. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).

13. Wash your hands once.

14. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

What Men Really want Women to Know

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
We refuse to answer.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not
quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no,
we're never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

We don't know what day it is. We never will.
Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Check your oil.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something OR
tell us how to do something but not both.

ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying,
but it's just not worth the hassle.

Men's Rules for Women

Rule #1 -- Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule #2 -- If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule #3 -- If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule #4 -- It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule #5 -- Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule #6 -- Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

Rule #7 -- You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.

Rule #8 -- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule #9 -- Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule #10 -- Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Rule #11 -- When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

Rule #12 -- Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

Important Information for Women

Discover the Benefits of Worshiping & Adoring Your Man's Penis!

Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life.

If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks, but contains only 150 calories.

A hand-job a day keeps arthritis away.

Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the treadmill.

Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

Intercourse prevents divorce.

Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.

Sex eliminates headaches.

Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard" triples your chances of getting into heaven.

Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

Thirty Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say

1. I just love how Barry Manilow sings, don't you?
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. You know, her breasts are just too big for my liking.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. Boy, that Barbara Walters on "20/20" is one sexy babe.
6. Sure, honey! I'd be happy to discuss the state of our relationship.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
8. Forget Monday Night Football. Let's watch something meaningful on the "Lifetime Channel."
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store. Do you need more tampons?
11. Actually, I prefer it when *you* hold the remote.
12. I'm sick of beer. Give me a fruit juice.
13. Great! Your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
15. No way. You weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Playboy magazines. I don't look at them any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has way too much gratuitous nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No! I don't want to see your sister's breasts.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on, for Pete's sake.
23. Eat something! You are starting to look like a Victoria's Secret Model!
24. Don't pick that up, I got it.
25. Happy Anniversary!
26. Hey, isn't today your Mother's birthday?
27. Let's talk. I miss talking.
28. Gay men have rights too!
29. I am just too tired to have sex again today!
30. Are you losing weight, sweetie?