A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class:

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative
is still a negative.

However," he continued, "there is no language wherein a
double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."

There's a story about an MIT student who spent an entire
summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing
a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the
field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed, blowing
a whistle, and then walking off the field.

At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard
home football game, the referee walked onto the field and
blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half
hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field.

The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

What are the three biggest lies?
1. The check is in the mail.
2. I won't cum in your mouth.
3. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you

Once upon a time, there were four people; Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Nobody and Anybody.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

When Nobody did it, Everybody got angry because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realized that Nobody would do it.

So consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking very frustrated.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular,
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

What makes life 100%?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will get you over the top

They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa.
It's called Genitalia.

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."
The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit."
The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

If an insect falls into your cup of coffee--what would you do? Here is one analysis:

1.The Englishman: Throws the cup away and walks out of the cafe
2.The American: Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee
3.The Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the coffee away
4.The Besieged Palestinian: Drinks the coffee and the insect
5.The Israeli:
* Sells the coffee to the American and the insect to the Chinese
* Screams that his security is in peril
* Accuses the Palestinians of throwing the insect in his coffee
* Alleges that Hizbullah, the Syrians and the Iranians advocate attacks with weapons of mass insects
* Relates this vicious attack to Palestinian Terrorism, Attacks on Human Rights, Anti-Semitism, the Holocaust, the Diaspora, the Exodus, Discrimination against Noah's Ark
* Commands Arafat to immediately stop insects from flying in the air or landing in coffee cups
* Re-occupies the West Bank and Gaza, razes houses, cuts off water and electricity, humiliates and terrorizes civilians, kills or maims anyone in his way.
* Imposes more military aid on the American
* Demands a 100-year, interest free, 50 billion-dollar, loan from America to buy another cup of coffee
*Claims life-time free coffee from the cafe as compensation

Ten Common Illness

1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour Virus.
3. The Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take, but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To The Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.
9. The I've Messed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF MEDICINE

2000 BC: Here, eat this root
1000 AD: That root is heathen. Say this prayer.
1850 AD: That prayer is pure superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 AD: That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 AD: That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 AD: That antibiotic doesn't work any more. Here, eat this root.

A Rental Car: The only true all-terrain vehicle.

Classic Air Traffic Control Tower Conversations:


"Air Force '45, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard.
I see you've already ejected."

"Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit cal- ling you twin Cessna."

"About three miles ahead, you've got traffic 12 o'clock, five
miles." If you hear me, traffic no longer a factor."

"You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you
nod your head."

"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."

"Don't anybody maintain anything."

"Climb like your life depends on it...because it does."

"Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings." "OK TOWER,
IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!"

The most functional word in the English language is... Shit. That's right, shit!

 Consider this:

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or, decide to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and Shinola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of life. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.

Pass this along---if you give a shit.

HOE STERFT EEN...

Astronaut: hij vaart ten hemel.
Bokser: hij raakt uitgeteld.
Jager: hij schiet er het hachje bij in.
Kleermaker: hij gaat naar de knoppen.
Koster: hij blaast zijn kaars uit.
Leraar Nederlands: hij zet er een punt achter.
Leraar wiskunde: hij rekent af met zijn leven.
Lerares handwerk: zij stikt.
In een café nemen drie dokters afscheid van elkaar.
Oorchirurg: "We horen nog van elkaar."
Oogchirurg: "We zien elkaar nog wel es."
Gynaecoloog: "Ik wip nog wel is binnen."

The Diary of a Cat

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I
am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me
going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get
from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I
may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving
around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded,
must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to
disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must
try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors
with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly
hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the head-
less body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am
capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts.
They only cooed and condescended about what a good little
cat I was ...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For
no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time
however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo."
What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only conso- lation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accom- plices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. How- ever, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the
glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard
that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must
learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more
than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird
on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered
their frightful tongue something akin to mole speak) and
speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every
move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his
safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of
time.

The latest thing in psychiatry is group therapy. Instead of couches, they use bunk beds.

The Stock Report...

Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking
equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators
continued a slow decline. Light switches were off. Mining
equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. Balloon prices were
inflated. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge
the market.

employee handbook...


DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to
your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and
carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able
to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They
are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every
year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25.
Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...

Life Explained...

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go
to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the
sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will
give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to
live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give
back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all
day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten
years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (sigh).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain
people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a
twenty year life span."

Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I
don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do
too, okay?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep,
play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll
give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you
what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and
the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That
makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep,
play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty
years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next
ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren;
and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and
bark at everybody.

You know you're Italian when....

1. You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
2. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit 2 mortadella "sangwiches", 4 oranges and 3 bananas into a regular paper lunch bag.
3. Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.
4. You share a bathroom with your 5 siblings, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro.
5. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent, are all blood relatives.
6. You consider dunking a pack of Stella D'Oro "S" cookies in milk a nutritious breakfast.
7. You live in a 900 square foot bungalow, but still have 2 kitchens (one in the basement).
8. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
9. You are a card-carrying VIP at more than 3 dance clubs.
10. You have at least 5 cousins living on your street. All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
11. In some capacity, there is a dump truck in your life.
12. A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professore" among your aunts.
13. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
14. You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
15. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
16. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
17. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Just who do you think you are?"

Did you know that if the pilgrims shot a bobcat instead of a turkey we all would be eating pussy on thanksgiving?

I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic
cat and dog caller -- guaranteed to work." I looked inside
and was amused to see an electric can opener.

You're from the West Coast when...

--You make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy your own house.
--The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
--The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
--You know how to eat an artichoke.
--You drive to your neighborhood block party.

You're from New York when...

--You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
--You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
--You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
--You think Central Park is "nature."
--You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You're from Colorado when...

--You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
--You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care.
--A pass does not involve a football or dating.
--The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

What does your profession say about you?

1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets.

4. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

5. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."

6. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above. Same sign, different title)

7. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service."

8. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

DOG OR DAWG?

To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand
the difference between Yankees and Southerners...

A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg

(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg"

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg

(Yankee) Any dog that's dead & buried & gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had

In a hat shop a salesgirl gushed, "That's the hat for you!
It makes you look ten years younger."

"Then I don't want it," retorted the customer. "I certainly
can't afford to put on ten years every time I take off my hat!"

Arrogance:
"The Best Leaders Inspire by Example. When that's not an option, brute intimidation works pretty well too."

Fear:
"Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at Sea."

Sacrifice:
"Your role may be thankless, but if you are willing to give it your all, you just might bring success to those who out- last you."

Irresponsibility:
"No Single Raindrop believes it is to Blame for the Flood."

SIGNS YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO AT WORK

1. You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2002

2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

3. You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

4. You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

5. People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

6. No longer content with merely photocopying your hand, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.

7. You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

8. The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.