Terms for Female Masturbation

5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket

Reasons Why Sheep are Better than Women


A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator.

A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new
clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the
bedroom.

A sheep will never sue you for alimony.

A sheep won't care if you screw her sister.

A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is.

A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while
you're screwing.

A sheep won't use your razor to shave it's legs, or your pocketknife
to open a paint can.

A sheep never has a headache.

A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill.

A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom.

A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and pick
up a box of tampons.

Sheep grow their own fur coats.

A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when
you're having friends over to watch football.

Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend.

A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning.

Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex.

A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up.

A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator.

A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style.

A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom.

Sheep are "ram tough."

A sheep won't think you're cheap and tacky if you: send daisies
instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear Levis with
a hole in the seat, open beer bottles with your teeth.

Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on.

Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning.

Sheep don't mind doing it in a pickup truck.

A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her nails, it's
too hot, it's too cold, you'll wake the kids, you'll wake the
neighbors, she's too drunk to enjoy it, she's not drunk enough to enjoy it.

What are the TOP TEN questions you would like to ask applicants in a job interview:


10. Have you ever been arrested for stalking an employer?

9. Will you lie to my wife when she calls?

8. Do penis jokes offend you?

7. Do you oppose a dress code that requires a shear Wonder Bra and a leather mini-skirt?

6. Are your parents from Alabama, or are you just naturally this stupid?

5. Benefits? Benefits? I got your benefits right here!

4. Have you ever Xeroxed your ass at an office Christmas party?

3. Are those real?

2. Did your parents have any children that lived?


And the number 1 question


1. The position I have in mind for you is "doggie."

The Perfect Woman Would Say...

1. I'll swallow it all ... I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!

5. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.

8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

12. I'll be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too.

14. Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya!

"She has an uncanny way of standing between me and the tele-

vision screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The

pitch flies, the crowd goes wild, and all I can see is her

butt." -Howard, Dodge City, Kan.



"She was furious when I got up early once and made her break-

fast. Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would

eat breakfast, let alone what she'd have?" -Ted, Wexford, Pa.



"I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-shirts. When she's

cold she wears my wool socks to bed, not her own. She steals

my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even wears

my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what

she'd do." -Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.



"When she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her.

And no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when

the idea is to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But

when it's to build a new house, or to get pregnant, things

get pretty intense." -Jim, Minneapolis



"My wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals,

she asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know

that their pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs."

-Miles, Shreveport, La.



"It annoys her that our children look like me." -James, New Orleans

20 Clues a Woman Should Call it a Night

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling while yelling woo-hoo! is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly decide I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it, too.
4. In my last trip to "pee" I realized I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. submarine on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.
15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing)and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the washroom away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I can't walk straight.

Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.

Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader or if she is PMS'ing: sees fat/pimples/UGLY. (Mom I can't go to school     looking like this!)

Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too/short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going anyway.

Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she goes anyway.

Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/ too thin, too short/to tall too straight/too curly"- but says: "At least I'm clean" and goes anyway.

Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes where ever she wants to.

Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

WANTED

A tall well-built woman with good

reputation, who can cook frogs

legs, who appreciates a good fuc-

schia garden, classic music and tal-

king without getting too serious.



But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.