Women's Language

A must-read for all men.
Keywords and their meanings:

FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that
we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks.
This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes
that your football game is going to last before you take out
the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman
has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.
"Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last
"Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare, one that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because
I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead"
in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine"
and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes"
when she cools off.

(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement very misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that
moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs"
are one of the few things that some men actually understand.
She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe,
and she will stay content.

OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble.
Example: "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him
about what you were doing last night."
If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk,
to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine"
when she is done tossing your clothes out the window,
but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.
"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are
caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it,
or you will get raised eyebrows and "Go ahead"
followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring
ourselves to write about them.

THAT'S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman
can say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think
long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever
it is that you have done.
"That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point
in the near future when she has plotted and planned,
you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement; it is an offer. A woman is giving
you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason
you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You
have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and
you shouldn't get a "That's OK."

THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint;
just say, "You're welcome."

THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say,
"Thanks A LOT," when she is really ticked off at you.
It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way,
and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh."
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh,"
as she will only say "Nothing."

"Men"

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:-
Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

 

Seminars For Men (Given by Females)


1. Combating Stupidity

2. You, too, can do housework

3. PMS -- Learn when to keep your mouth shut

4. How to fill an ice tray

5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas -- Give us money

6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4:00a.m.

7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, "Don't wash my silks")

8. Parenting -- No, it doesn't end with conception

9. Get a life -- learn to cook

10. How not to act like an asshole when you're obviously wrong

11. Spelling -- Even you can get it right

12. Understanding your financial incompetence

13. You -- The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons to give flowers

15. How to stay awake after sex

Seminars For Men (Given by Females)


1. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom

2. Garbage -- Getting it to the curb

3. You can fall asleep without "it" if you really try

4. The morning dilemma if "it's" awake -- Take a shower

5. I'll wear it if I damn well please

6. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly, "No, it's not a bidet")

7. "The weekend" and "sports" are not synonyms

8. Give me a break! -- Why we know your excuses are bullshit

9. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost

10. The remote control -- Overcoming your dependency

11. Romanticism -- Ideas other than sex

12. Helpful hints for couch potatoes

13. Mother-in-laws -- They are people, too

14. Male bonding -- Leaving your friends at home

15. You, too, can be a designated driver

16. Seeing the true you (formerly, "No, you don't look like Mel Gibson, especially when naked!")

17. Changing your underwear -- It really works

18. The Attainable Goal -- Omitting "tits" from your vocabulary

19. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is NOT necessary

20. Techniques for calling home

Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret

10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No Thanks. Just Sniffing..
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me???
3. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
2. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!

And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
1. Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.

Women's Rules


1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1- so if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3- No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are not handles.

6. Extension to rule #5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week"- get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8- "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls-if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked" it for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep our mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

THE RULES

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

Women's Rule Book

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander.
It's too little to be let out alone.

The only reason men are on this planet is that
vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.

Go for younger men. You might as well.
They never mature anyway.

A man who can dress himself without looking like
Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.

Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed
the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men.
Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest
they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for
40 years. Even in biblical times,
men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in,
tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually
"oh alright, I'll stay the night."

Women sleep with men, who if they were women,
they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell
him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no,
you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first, tell him
"you may be, you look familiar."

HANDY HORMONE HOSTAGE GUIDE

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month
when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This "Handy Hormone Hostage Guide" should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: Y'know, I've always loved you in that robe.

For new fathers, or anyone thinking about becoming a father, you must learn these WORDS OF WISDOM:


Don't ask me, ask your mother.

Close the door. Were you raised in a barn?

You didn't beat me. I let you win.

Who said life was supposed to be fair.

This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.

You call that noise "music"?

No, we're not there yet.

When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.

As long as you live under my roof, you'll live by my rules.

Because I said so. That's why.

Do what I say, not what I do.

So you think you're smart, do you?

If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.

You want something to do? I'll give you something to do.

I'm not just talking to hear my own voice!

What do you think I am, a bank?

What part of NO don't you understand?

I don't care what other people are doing! I'm not everybody

else's father!

If you're gonna be dumb, you've gotta be tough.

Enough is enough!

Don't make me stop the car!

Bad Pick Up Lines

If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?

Look at the tag in her shirt and say: "I want to see if you were really made in heaven."

I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you

Excuse me I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a big breasted bed thrasher, have you seen one?

You look exactly like my future ex-wife

"You know why you should masturbate with these two fingers"? "Why?" "cause there mine"

If I died and believed in Reincarnation, I would want come back as your tear. Born in your eye, live on your cheek, and die on your lips.