What did the leper tell the hooker?
Keep the tip.

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old sweats and blouse and proceeded to wash her hair and give
herself a facial. As she heard the children getting more and
more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.

At last she wrapped a towel around her head and with cold
creme on her face stormed into their room, putting them back
to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard
her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

MOTHERS FROM HISTORY

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

What is an 'Aussie Kiss'?
It is the same as a French kiss... except 'down under'.

Do you want to know what I got for Father's Day? The bills from Mother's Day.

There's a new invention on the market, a vibrating tampon.
That way a woman can feel her best when she is at her worst.

What did the cannibal do after he had dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower
shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking,
"What did you do?"

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she will not change, and she does.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

"NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief
of the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here
with his lovely wife, Beverly."

The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little
nervous," he began, "getting up before this distinguished
audience and speaking today. But not nearly as nervous as
I will be tonight when I must go home with my wife, Audrey,
and explain Beverly to her!"

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't
help but wonder: What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've
given me...
Like the need for therapy."

"Thanks for being a part of my life...
I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,...
I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll
probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married...
But not to you."

"You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your
promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best
friend...
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...
What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...
It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship
and there was only one life jacket...
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday...
So we're having you put to sleep."

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And
the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon
the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get
any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And
God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding
seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it
was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our like-
ness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea,
and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over
all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth
upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image;
male and female did He create.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean
and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and
spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and
Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth
the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man:
"You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them."
And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep
her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought
forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained
10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and
olive oil with which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it
needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad
cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose
those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so
Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN
and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low
in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the
Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips
swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is
good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and
cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body
with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink
twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz.
And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu.

And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate
and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the
land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

Speaking at a staff meeting, a very pert and pretty female engineer told the male manager of the division, "I'd like to get something off my chest."

"What's that?"

"Your eyes."

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she could love you.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: That works for me, as long as you are still a little warm

when I shove it up your ass.

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.



Drink: Beer

Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.

Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.



Drink: Blender Drinks

Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt.

Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.



Drink: Mixed Drinks

Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows

exactly what she wants.

Your Approach: You won't have to approach her; if she is interested,

she'll send you a drink.



Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)

Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles.

Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings

with friends.



Drink: White Zinfandel

Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but

actually has no clue.

Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an

easy target.



Drink: Shots

Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get

totally drunk ... and naked.

Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this

evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her

mad!



Then there is the male addendum. The deal with guys is, as always,

very simple and clear cut:



Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.



Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.



Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated

image to help him get laid.



Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.



Tequilla: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.



White Zinfandel: He's gay (and looking to get laid).

Een man plaatste een advertentie met de inhoud:

"Gezocht, een vrouw." De volgende dag ontving hij honderden brieven met

allemaal dezelfde inhoud: "Je mag die van mij wel hebben."

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and

calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.



Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be Hell.



Why do men like smart women?

Opposites attract.



How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the

time they don't work.



How do men define a "50/50" relationship?

We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.



How do men exercise on the beach?

By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.



How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Make him wear shoes.



How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys two cases of beer instead of one.



How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to

revolve around him.



What did God say after creating man?

I can do so much better.



What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?

Telling you his real name.



What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.



What's the smartest thing a man can say?

"My wife says..."



Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?

So men can understand them.



Why did God create man before woman?

Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating

your masterpiece.



Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.



Why do jocks play on artificial turf?

To keep them from grazing.



Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?

Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.



Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

Because not one will stop and ask for directions.



Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.



Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.


A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little.


To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.


Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman
- before marriage & after marriage.

What is a CAT?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of
furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but
don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give
you a kiss!
9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny men in little fur coats.
Did you year about the married couple lying in bed together? She was lying to him and he was lying to her.

First man: Did you hear about the new ultra-sensitive condom?

Second man: No. what about 'em?

First man: They stick around and talk to the woman afterwards!

"Je doet ook helemaal geen moeite om me te bevredigen", klaagt de vrouw tegen haar echtgenoot. "Heus wel", protesteert hij. "Maar misschien zou het helpen als je me een beetje aanmoedigde. Waarom vertel je me nooit wanneer je het orgasme voelt komen?" "Omdat, lieve schat, je er dan nooit bent."

The husband asks his wife, "Why don't we try a different position tonight?" The wife replies, "That's a good idea ... you stand by the kitchen sink and do the dishes and I'll lay on the sofa and fart."

"I noticed you always carry my photo in your handbag. Why?"
a husband asked his wife.

"When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem always disappears," she said.

The man smiled. "You see how good I am for you?" he asked.

"Yes," she said. "I see your picture and say to myself, 'What
other problem can there be worse than this one?'"

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

To the women:
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's

New Drugs For Men

With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.

PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks, especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.

COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.

PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.

LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.


I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him
stalking around with a flyswatter.

When I asked if he had gotten any flies, he answered, "Yeah,
3 males and 2 females."

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

Een echtpaar is 25 jaar getrouwd.
"Wat zullen we eraan doen?" vraagt de vrouw.
Zegt de man: "Wat dacht je van een minuut stilte?"

Giving a man his physical, the doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or some physical sport?"
"No," he answered. "I play bridge with my wife."

 Larry was all excited as he told his girlfriend Suzy
about the new Olympic condoms he had bought at the store. "Lookee here Suz", he started, pulling them out of his pocket,
"there's three types - Gold, Silver and Bronze! I think I'm gonna use the Gold one 'cos I'm a winner!" Suzy looked at the Gold condom with disdain -
"Maybe you should use the Silver condom Larry."
"Why honey", asked Larry.
Suzy replied "Because I think it would be nice if you
actually came SECOND for once!!"

 Moods of a woman:-

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction,
she's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
she'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse
she'll break open his head and then be his nurse
but when he's well and can get out of bed
she'll pick up the tea-pot and aim for his head.
beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind,
crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind
she'll call him a king, then make him a clown,
raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.
she'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man,
or make him her lackey to carry her fan.
she'll run away from him and never come back
but if he runs away, then she'll be on his tracks
sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
she'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
at times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

Moods of a man:-
Horny.

Marriage Wisdom:
"The fucking you get isn't worth the fucking you get."

 SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

Housework done properly can kill you.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

John: "I'm a man of few words."
Bill: "I'm married, too."

Wife: "The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."
Husband: "Oh? And which is this?"


What's the best part of a blow-job when you're married?
The few minutes of silence.

"My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'" - Unknown

On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a
woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently
in a heated debate.

The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She
started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the
man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide
gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.

Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands,
"silencing" her. Then he signed, very small and slowly, "You
don't have to shout, I'm not blind."

The young man told his father, "I want to marry a good woman,
a smart woman, one who'll be a good mother to our kids, a
woman who will make me happy."
His father told him he'd better make up his mind.

A wise man one said that instead
of seeing a woman wrestle,
He'd like to see her Box

During dinner a man said to his date
"You know drinking makes you beautiful"
Puzzled, she said "I don't drink"
"I know", he said "But I do"

A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing
"wedding." The wedding vows went like this:

"You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may
be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney
present. You may kiss the bride."

Did you hear that the new and politically correct name for "lesbian". It has been changed to "vagitarian".

What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
Two gays with hemorrhoids.

Ask any man what a woman's ultimate fantasy is and
they will tell you, to have two men at once.
According to a recent study this is true,
however most men do not realize that in this fantasy,
one man is cooking, and the other is cleaning.

At 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America,
fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe,
exhausted but still has points of interest.
After 56, she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn.

MALE OR FEMALE?

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears
useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its
time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom
in pairs.

TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-in- flated.

WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its
tongue hanging out.

PHOTOCOPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a
while to warm up again -- and only when the right buttons
are pushed.

HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last
5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men
pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always
know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Handy Dictionary to Decipher Personal Ads

WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish.............. 49
Adventurer.......... Slept with all your friends
Athletic.............No chest
Average looking......Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful........... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile.... Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated............ Banged her Poly-sci professor
Emotionally Secure.. Medicated
Feminist............ Fat ball-buster
Free spirit......... Junkie
Friendship first.....slut
Fun..................Annoying
Gentle...............Comatose
Good Listener........Borderline Autistic
New-Age..............It's a mess down there
Old-fashioned....... Lights out, no BJs
Open-minded..........Desperate
Outgoing.............Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...........Sloppy drunk
Poet.................Depressive Schizophrenic Professional.........Certified Bitch
Redhead..............Bad dye-job
Reubenesque..........Grossly Fat
Wants Soulmate...... Stalker
MEN'S ADS

40-ish.............. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic............ Watches a lot of NASCAR
Free Spirit..........Banging your sister
Good looking........ Arrogant
Very good looking... Dumb as a board
Honest.............. Pathological Liar
Likes to cuddle..... Insecure mama's boy
Mature.............. Older than your father
Physically fit...... Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Very sensitive...... Gay
Spiritual........... Got laid in a cemetery once
Thoughtful.......... Says "Excuse me" when he farts

Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from
work: "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to
be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his
wife said: "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."

But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife would say, "... And what's that supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

A man and his wife are watching a championship boxing match
on TV. Early in the second round, one of the fighters goes
down for the count. The husband sighs and says, "I'm so dis- appointed. It was all over in four minutes!"

The wife replies, "Good. Now you know how I feel."

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his trousers. A woman comes up to him and says, "What are you supposed to be?"

The man says, "A premature ejaculator."

"What?" says the woman.

The man says, "I've just come in my pants."

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past
an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Just like a man."

My wife and I are into S&M. She snores while I masturbate.

From the Dallas Morning News:

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised
by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:

"An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

She wasn't selected for the jury.

"I once made love to my wife for over an hour. Of course, that was the day we turned the clocks ahead."

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day
that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he
went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that
someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

"Women only have two complaints. Nothing to wear, and not enough closet space for it."

When your wife says, "What do you think?" she is not asking for YOUR opinion. She is asking for HER opinion, from your mouth.

Q: What is the difference between a crazed pit bull and a woman with PMS?
A: Lip Gloss.

Secretaries get a little behind at work; wives get a big behind at home.

John Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory
that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local
woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you
limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think
women are weak, dumb, cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our
employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being
shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't
pout when I yell at them."

Female's puberty ends at the age of 18, while male's puberty ends fourteen days after the guy is dead.

One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing
machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Texas A & M."

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of
caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone in the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the
expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator,
stove and table, often carrying just a single item. So I
suggested, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things
at once?'"

Another person asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied, "Actually, it did. It used to take her
twenty minutes to get breakfast ready...and now I do it in
about ten."

For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last
he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous
question.

"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,"
Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the
companionship of another being, a being who will regard one
as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute
own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who
will share one's joys and sorrows."

To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes.
Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea!
Can I help you pick out a puppy?"

A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual.

"You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."

"Why would I come in second?" the brow-beaten husband asked.

"Because you're an idiot!"

I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the
burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into
the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do
that for years!"

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

***

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity
and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with
age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a head- ache."

George comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out screwing another woman, haven't you?"

He says, "Nope."

She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."

He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my dick."

A lady and her husband were participating in a blood drive,
and as part of the pre-screening process, an elderly volunteer was asking them some questions.

"Have you ever paid for sex?" the volunteer asked the husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed and said, "Every time."

Husband: "Put your coat on love, I'm going to the bar."

Wife: "Are you taking me out for a drink?"

Husband: "Don't be silly woman. I'm turning the heat off."

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.

When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself.

"Well, your honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92,
if he could fuck, he could fly."

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Grafton Street and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Did you hear about the Indian chief who traded in his forty year old wife for two twenty year olds? A couple of weeks later a fellow brave saw him back with his original forty- year old wife.He said, "What happened to your two twenty-year-olds?"
The Chief replied, "Me no wired for 220!"

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
If Liberace ate pussy
He'd still be with us

"I think I look good for forty-two. However, my skin is starting to lose its elasticity. I took a nap on a corduroy bedspread and it took six hours for the lines to come out of my face."
-Cathy Ladman
 

Roses are red
It's all elementary
Let's ring up a friend
And try double entry
 

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then
we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is
why I would not live forever."
-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
 

"It takes at least 12 inches to rule the world."
-attila
 

Confucius say: Is good for lady to meet guy in park, but better for guy to park meat in lady.
 

Seen on the back of a T-shirt of a biker riding a Harley:
If you can read this, my bitch fell off."
 

"That man has missed something who has never left a brothel
at sunrise feeling like throwing himself into a river out of pure disgust."
-Gustave Flaubert
 

"For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton."
-Elayne Boosler
 

slogan for the new British tampon:
 "We may not be number one, but we're still up there!"
 

When a man has everything he wants in a woman, it is.
-Richard Lederer
 

SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY:
Yesterday scientists in England revealed that beer contains tiny traces
of female hormones. The most prevalent hormone was Estrogen.
To confirm their speculation they fed 12 men 100 pints of lager and observed that 100% of them gained weight,
talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn't drive.
 

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."