Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses

16. Ow ... I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey...Who are you?

15. I'm sorry, but there just isn't room
in my life right now for you and my vibrator.

14. I've got this disease... It's called
herpigonosyphalaids. very contagious.

13. You're too young for me. I mean, too *old*.
We're the same age? Well, that doesn't work for me either.

12. We're just so different you and I. You're an extrovert,
I'm an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal.
And of course *I'm* not a physically repulsive psychopath.

11. You've gone from "sponge-worthy" to merely "spongy".

10. Dear Christine: By the time you read this,
I will be a woman.

9. I have early-onset onanism.

8. You're no longer the wealthy, gullible,
and desperately lonely man I fell in love with.

7. My penis,uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it... yeah...
on the subway I think.

6. "Less filling? LESS FILLING???
I don't even know who you are anymore.

5. My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year
off in order to train them to attack your picture.

4. It's not you, it's me.
Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister.

3. I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according
to the place mat, you're a snake and I'm a mongoose.

2. We just don't have anything in common anymore --
you're a morning person, and I want to see your
severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike.

1. I'm holding you back from all the other lives
you could be ruining.

Humor of getting married



#CASE 1

Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

#CASE 2

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

#CASE 3

Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married, he is finished.

#CASE 4

Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.

#CASE 5

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get

married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."

#CASE 6

Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad : "That happens in most countries son."

#CASE 7

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."

#CASE 8

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes

#CASE 9

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why. Affair?

#CASE 10

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

#CASE 11

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the Husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

#CASE 12

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

#CASE 13

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or his wife is new.

TRANSLATING WOMEN’S ENGLISH:



Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

We need = I want

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you’re dead

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

You’re so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like






TRANSLATING MEN’S ENGLISH:


I’m hungry = I’m hungry

I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy

I’m tired = I’m tired

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let’s have sex now

I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?

What’s wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!

May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes

Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay

"TO MY DEAR WIFE,



During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:



54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be asleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to mess your new hair-do

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us



Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move."



"TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:



I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:



5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pyjamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV



Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because

you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack

in the ceiling, what I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or

kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was

trying to breathe."

Hij en Zij bij de pin automaat:

Hij:

1. Rij tot aan pin automaat.
2. Stop pinpas in automaat.
3. Toets pincode en bedrag.
4. Neem pas, geld en bonnetje.
5. Rij weg.

Zij:

1. Rij tot aan pin automaat.
2. Check make-up in achteruitkijk spiegel.
3. Zet de motor af.
4. Stop sleutels in handtasje.
5. Stap uit auto, omdat je te ver van pin automaat staat.
6. Zoek pinpas in tasje.
7. Stop pasje in automaat.
8. Zoek in tasje naar tampon met pincode erop.
9. Toets de pincode in.
10. Bestudeer instructies gedurende 3 minuten.
11. Druk op "Cancel".
12. Toets opnieuw correcte pincode.
13. Check saldo.
14. Zoek voor papiertje in tas.
15. Zoek een pen in de tas.
16. Noteer saldo.
17. Druk op "geld opnemen".
18. Bestudeer instructies gedurende 3 minuten.
19. Toets op 50,-
20. Neem geld uit automaat.
21. Stap in de auto.
22. Check make-up.
23. Zoek sleutels.
24. Start auto.
25. Check make-up.
26. Rij weg.
27. STOP.
28. Rij achteruit naar automaat.
29. Stap uit auto.
30. Neem pinpas en bonnetje uit automaat.
31. Stap terug in auto.
32. Stop pas in portemonnee.
33. Stop bonnetje in mapje.
34. Maak ruimte in tas voor portemonnee en mapje.
35. Check make-up.
36. Zet auto in achteruit.
37. Zet auto in eerste versnelling.
38. Rij weg bij de automaat.
39. Rij 3 kilometer.
40. Haal auto van handrem af.

HER STORY:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might
have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything
much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I
thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could
talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's
STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and
start to wonder whether it's me or something else.

I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure.
So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him
and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell
this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.
We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's
going to dump me!

So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.
Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about
10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed
really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave.
I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean,
do you think he's met someone else?

HIS STORY:

Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.

The Pre Nuptial Agreement

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...

Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".

Section 6. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.

Section 6.01 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can,vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Hearing vs. Listening


What a Woman Says:

C'mon...This place is a mess!
You and I need to clean.
Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes
if we don't do laundry now!

What a Man Hears:

C'MON....blah, blah, blah
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah,
NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah,
NOW!

MEN & WOMEN



Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."


Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."


Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."


Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"


Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."


Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."


Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."


Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."


Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"


Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"


Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"


Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"


Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."


Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."


Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."


Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."


Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."


Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."


Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."


Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Communication


When a woman says "Let's go for a drive.",

the man thinks "Let's go to a porno flick."

The woman actually means

"Let go and get some things to fix up the house."



When a woman says "This place could use a little fixing-up.",

the man thinks

"She wants me to pick up my socks on the bedroom floor."

The woman actually means "This house need a complete overhaul."



When a woman says "I love you.",

the man thinks "She wants to have sex."

The woman actually means

"Respond in a tender, caring way."



When a man says "I'm having a few buddies over on

Saturday night.",

the woman thinks

"He wants me to throw a party for his friends

then clean up afterwards."

The man actually means "You fix us some snacks

then make yourself scarce until its time to clean up."



When a man says "I think I'll putter around

in the garage today.",

the woman thinks "He's going to look at his girlie magazines

and take a nap."

The man actually means "I'll be out in the garage

with my secret stash of Playboy mags and my napping couch."



When a man says "I love you.",

the woman thinks "Marriage commitment."

The man actually means "Let's have sex."

Discoveries

Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.

Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.

Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.

Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.

Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.

Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, man was all fucked up after that.