The old Cherokee chief sat in his reservation hut, smoking
the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the two US government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles," one official began, "you have observed
the white man for many generations, you have seen his wars
and his products, you have seen all his progress, and all
his problems."

The chief nodded. The official continued, "Considering recent
events, in Your opinion, where has the white man gone wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute,
and then calmly replied. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.

* No taxes.
* No debt.
* Plenty buffalo
* Plenty beaver
* Women did the work
* Medicine man free
* Indian men hunted and fished all the time."

The chief smiled, and added quietly, "White man dumb enough
to think he could improve system like that."

One fateful day, Madeleine Albright walked into a NATO meeting. Seeing that she was the only female in the room, she asked, "So, Gentlemen, shall we make love or war?"
The vote was unanimous.

"Weet je dat er in New York viereneenhalf miljoen ratten rondlopen? Vreselijk, niet?" "Eigen schuld. Hadden ze die beesten maar moeten doodslaan in plaats van ze te tellen."

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get 3 meals a day. At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison a guard locks, unlocks, opens and closes all doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors yourself.

In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.

In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends. At work you can't even speak to family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs that you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic. At work we call them managers!

If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it
would be worth $49 today. If you bought $1000 worth of Miller
beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans
for the nickel deposit, you would have $79 today.

My advice to you is to start drinking...

NEW WORDS FOR 2002 - Essential additions for the workplace
vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER:
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS:
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY:
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM:
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO:
The on-line answer to the couch potato.

SITCOM:
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STARTER MARRIAGE:
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

STRESS PUPPY:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

SWIPEOUT:
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY:
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trial was a prime example. Bill Clinton's Grand Jury testimony is another.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:
The fine art of whacking the shit out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

VULCAN NERVE PINCH:
The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for some computer commands.

ADMINISPHERE:
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404:
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA:
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same
no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND:
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS:
Well Off Older Folks

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and
$12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

What a difference a century makes. 100 years ago...


* Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.

* Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

* There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.

* The maximum speed limit in most city's was 10 mph.

* Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

* The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

* The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

* A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

* More the 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.

* Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard".

* Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

* Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

* The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

* The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families.

* Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."

* Punch-card data processing had recently been developed, and early predecessors of the modern computer were used for the first time by the government to help compile the 1900 census.

A kid in my college died trying to get high off of the helium in balloons. He ordered a huge balloon bouquet, inhaled all of the helium, had an asthma attack, and 911 thought it was a joke because of the squeaky voice, so he died.

Loopt er een idioot op het vliegveld met een tulp in zijn kont.
Verkeerde bolletjes geslikt.

FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM
PAPERS COLLECTED BY VINDICTIVE TEACHERS:

Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats
backwards.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars.

The process of turning steam back into water again is called
conversation.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you
are talking about.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an
obscene triangle.

For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently
back and forth.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down
to make artificial perspiration.

For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it
drops in your throat.

For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a
blanket for shock.

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the
patient is dead.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
affirmative or negative.

examples of creativity provided by a 6th grade class during history tests :


1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shake- speare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday.
He never made much money and is famous only because of his
plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all
in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a
heroic couple.

2. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel
Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was
John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died
and he wrote Paradise Regained.

3. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin
were to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and
declared, "a horse divided against itself can not stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

4. Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which
he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves
by signing the Emasculation Proclamation . On the night of
April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in
his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposingly
insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

5. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and
had a large number of children. In between he practiced on
an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died
from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer
in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half
Italian, and half English. He was very large.

6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest
even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in
1827 and later died from this.

A defense attorney was cross-examining a Chicago police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.