Tien dingen die mannen weten over vrouwen...



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IF MEN RULED THE WORLD...

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a bronto- saurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. (Wouldn't help -- you STILL wouldn't remember!)

TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN:

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(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a
well meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)

Monday A.M. Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control.
Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned.
Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger- sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M. Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the frig.
Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the
Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you about
this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to- door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator.
Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M. Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is
sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If
you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot
for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper,
garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold
pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late
tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M. Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It
crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight.
Please pencil in answers to following:

1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. How do you turn off the milkman?
3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?

I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M. Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am
trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take
heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house
cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother. have
a great day.

WHAT A GUY REALLY MEANS WHEN HE SAYS...

"I'm going fishing."
Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand,
while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means... "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means... "I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means... "The batteries in the remote are dead."

This is going to be the theme for the next Survivor Show

6 Married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.

The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 A.M; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.

The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years - eventually earning the right to be called "Mother".

English........... I Love You
Spanish.......... Te Amo
French........... Je T'aime
German.......... lch Liebe Dich
Japanese....... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian............. Ti Amo
Chinese......... Wo Ai Ni
Swedish........ Jag Alskar Dig

Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia,
Tennessee, West Virginia, Virginia and Kentucky ..... Nice Tits

INSULTS TO USE TONIGHT WHILE OUT

(only trying to help ;-) )



Shouldn't a guy with your IQ have a low voice too?

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental.

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

You are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

You've got diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.

Somewhere you're depriving a village of an idiot

Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be left out alone.

Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.

Every boy has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.

Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.

You are living proof that man can live without a brain.

People would follow you anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

Penis Tax
The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.
This is due to the fact that 60% of the time it is hanging around unemployed,
15% of the time it is hard up,
20% of the time it is pissed off and 5% of the time it's in the hole.
It has two dependents, but they're nuts.
Effective January 1, 2001, penises will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows: 10" - 12" Luxury Tax
8" - 10" Pole Tax
5" - 8" Privilege Tax
4" - 5" Nuisance Tax
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
Issues still under Consideration:
Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?