"Health experts now say there are 70 million rats in New York City, and Mayor Giuliani said he intends to have the city trap and kill as many as possible. In a related story, Mayor Giuliani announced that this fall students will have new, meatier lunches."
-Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, Kevin Costner said that he recently broke up with his longtime girlfriend. Costner said the breakup was long, painful, and disappointing, just like his movies."
-Conan O'Brien

President Bush was in South Dakota recently. There was an awkward moment at Mount Rushmore when President Bush said, "Hey, look, it's those guys on the money!"
- Conan Obrien

"It was announced that the balloon millionaire Steve Fossett
used to travel around the world is going to be placed in the
Smithsonian. Reportedly, the balloon will be part of an
exhibit called, 'Rich Guys with Too Much Free Time.'"
-Conan O'Brien

"It was reported this week that president Bush's approval
ratings are dropping fast, they are now at 62%, down from a
high of 69%. When asked to comment, president Bush just kept
giggling at the number 69."
-Conan O'Brien

"A new study claims that mouth-to-mouth resuscitation is
not necessary during CPR and it's better to skip right
to chest compression. However, the study says that you're
still required to snuggle for a half hour afterwards."
- Conan O'Brien