The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
-Dave Barry

"By way of background: Kyrgyzstan is an actual nation located in the western hemisphere. Or possibly the eastern hemisphere. It's definitely in a hemisphere. Historically, Kyrgyzstan is part of the group of nations -- also including Pakistan, Afghanistan, Uzbekistan and Kurdistan -- that were founded by a tribe of men named 'Stan.'"
-Dave Barry

"I once worked with a guy named George who, for Christmas,gave his wife, for her big gift - and I am not making this gift up - a chain saw. (As he later explained: 'Hey, we NEEDED a chain saw.') Fortunately, the saw was not operational when his wife unwrapped it."
-Dave Barry

"I don't know why a woman would be ticked off if you gave her a 56-piece socket-wrench set with a 72-tooth reversible ratchet, but thrilled if you give her a tiny, very expensive vial of liquid with a name like 'L'essence de Nooquie Eau de Parfum de Cologne de Toilette,' which, to the naked male nostril, does not smell any better than a stick of Juicy Fruit. All I'm saying is that this is the kind of thing women want."
-Dave Barry

"As a child I believed that when Columbus arrived in North America, the states' names were actually written on the continent, in gigantic letters, the way they are on maps. I still think this would be a good idea, because if an airplane's navigational system failed, the pilot could just look out the window and see exactly where the plane was."
- Dave Barry

"Despite all these new-fangled inventions such as the Inter- net, TV, the telegraph, etc. - surveys show that newspapers remain the most trusted source of news for consumers in the coveted demographic of People Who Are Dead Or Older."
-Dave Barry

"To you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a 'pain in the neck,' the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life."
- Dave Barry

"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of
age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background,
is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above- average drivers."
-Dave Barry

"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."
-Dave Barry

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."
-Dave Barry

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and
they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.
This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ulti- mately led to television...and later to the remote control.

[From Dave Barry.]

"Every year there are more product-liability awards, and
every year manufacturers have to put more warnings in the
owners' manuals, and every year the radish-brains come up
with newer, more innovative ways to injure themselves.
There will come a day when every product you buy will come
with an actual living lawyer inside the box, sealed in
plastic; as soon as you break the seal, the lawyer will
emerge and start preparing your product-liability lawsuit.
(This system is feasible because product-liability lawyers
are spore-based organisms who can survive for years without
air.)
-Dave Barry

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
-Dave Barry

"I once worked with a guy named George who, for Christmas,
gave his wife, for her big gift - and I am not making this
gift up - a chain saw. (As he later explained: 'Hey, we
NEEDED a chain saw.') Fortunately, the saw was not oper- ational when his wife unwrapped it."
-Dave Barry

"When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer."
-Dave Barry