"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
- Emo Philips

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
- Emo Philips

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
- Emo Philips

"I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
- Emo Philips

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
-Emo Philips

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
-Emo Philips

 
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
-Emo Philips

"I'm not a fatalist. But even if I were, what could I do about it?"
-Emo Philips

"In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist, as I was always being suspended."
-Emo Philips

My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
-Emo Philips

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
-Emo Philips

Women: you can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
-Emo Phillips