"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be designated driver."
-Jay Leno

"Last week, by a vote of 420 to 1, the House voted to expel
Congressman James Traficant. Traficant was convicted for
bribery, extortion, and tax eviction or as Congress calls it,
the Triple Crown."
-Jay Leno

"Martha Stewart had an interesting show this morning. She showed people how to make bail."
-Jay Leno

"Anheuser-Busch announced they are coming out with low-carb
beer called "Ultra" which is aimed at the diet-conscious beer
drinker. Diet-conscious beer drinker...aren't those called women?"
-Jay Leno

"This week, 23 young Cubans have defected to Canada. That's
a sign that our economy is in bad shape, when Cubans are
bypassing the U.S. and rowing directly to Canada."
-Jay Leno

"Anheuser-Busch has donated $5 million to the University of
California at Davis to build an on-campus brewery; they’re
building a beer lab on campus. Didn’t that used to be called
a dorm?"
-Jay Leno

"A German psychologist says that women talk more than men
because they have a bigger vocabulary. But, it evens out
because men only listen half the time."
-Jay Leno

"Experts at Guinness have announced that a man in India has
set a new world record for having the most cement blocks
smashed on his groin. The old record was none."
-Jay Leno

"There's a new cafe in New York City where guys go in and
they can scan profiles of women who are already in the place,
and if they find a woman that's interesting to them, for the
price of a cover charge, the staff will arrange an
introduction. Didn't that used to be called a whorehouse?"
-Jay Leno

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards says he's scared to death of cell phones, that he considers them dangerous. Amazing. Cell phones are dangerous, but black tar heroin is OK.
- Jay Leno

"A startling expose in this week's "U.S News and World
Report." It seems our elite Secret Service counter assault
team has been watching pornography on the White House
satellite system instead of watching President Bush. That's
the great thing about Clinton. When he was in office, they
could do both."
-Jay Leno

"New club in L.A. called Club Curves, it's a club that caters
to plus size women. It is a great idea because there are a
lot of beautiful, big girls out there; a lot of guys like the
plus sized women. This is a place where they can go, meet a
beautiful woman, get a drink, chew the fat...."
-Jay Leno

"An inventor has come out with a product called a safety
turtle. It's the size of a wristwatch and you attach it to a
child and it sends out a signal if the child falls in the
pool. When I was a child, we had something similar to that.
It was called a parent."
-Jay Leno

"President Clinton said he flew commercial flights four times last week to show America it's safe. Sounds like someone's got a crush on a flight attendant..."
-Jay Leno

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
- Jay Leno

"The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets." --Jay Leno

"A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you."
-Jay Leno

"San Francisco lawmakers are creating legislation to ban discrimination against "transgenders" (transsexuals, trans- vestites, etc.). This would require creating three types of bathrooms: Men, Women, and Work-in-Progress."
-Jay Leno

"Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It's going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand."
-Jay Leno

"Singer Sinead O'Conner has gotten married. Remember a couple of years ago she said she was celibate, then a year later she said she was a lesbian. Either way, it doesn't sound like the guy's going to have a good honeymoon."
-Jay Leno

"According to a new study, college tuition for a baby born today will cost $36,000 a year. That's crazy, isn't it?
Why would anyone send a baby to college?"
-Jay Leno

"It was this week in 1860 that the first Pony Express mail was delivered. It took 3 weeks to get the mail across the country, half the mail was lost, and every postal worker carried a rifle. So basically, nothing's changed."
-Jay Leno

"According to the American Medical Association, sleeping less has been linked to big guts on men. They say getting more quality sleep creates lean tissue. So women, next time you see your man sprawled on the couch over the weekend, Leave him alone, he's working out."
-Jay Leno

In a national anthem survey, 79% of Americans know the first line of the "Star-Spangled Banner," but only 37% of Canadians know the first line to "Oh,Canada," which is really pathetic considering the first line of "Oh, Canada" is "Oh, Canada."
-Jay Leno

"According to a New Jersey poll, 92% of married women say they would marry the same man...Mel Gibson."
-Jay Leno

"According to a new study, men cry on the average of once a month. Gee, I wonder what time of the month that would be...?"
- Jay Leno

"According to 'Newsweek,' the big trend now among teenagers now is coed slumber parties. Slumber parties where they invite both sexes and the parents allow it. Actually, when I was in high school, I remember boys and girls slept together all the time. We called it algebra class."
- Jay Leno

"Researchers at Stanford University say they've developed a drug called 'Celexa' that helps women who are compulsive shoppers. They say it curbs the uncontrollable urge to shop.In fact, this weekend it goes on sale for 50% off."
- Jay Leno

"According to a recent survey, a large number of men do not
wash their hands before leaving the restroom. The survey-taker
said he stood in the restroom for a week, observing men going
in and out. 40% of the men wash their hands, 40% of the men did
not wash their hands, and 20% of the men punched the guy in the
face for watching them go to the restroom."
-Jay Leno