"Sex after children slows down. Every three months now we have sex. Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my quarterly taxes. Unless it's oral sex--then I renew my driver's license."
-Ray Romano

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'"
- Francois Morency

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
- Jimmy Shubert

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner with."
- Anonymous woman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
-George Burns

The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
-Truman Capote

To fall in love you have to be in the state of mind for it to take, like a disease.
-Nancy Mitford

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
-Milton Berle

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight,dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Friday's.
-Henny Youngman

"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."
- Wendy Liebman

"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says,You may now kiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the groom."
- David Gunter

"I went out with this one guy, I was very excited about it. He took me out to dinner, he made me laugh - he made me pay. He's like, 'I'm sorry. I forgot my wallet.' I said, 'Really? I forgot my vagina.'"
-Margaret Smith

"Women don't need conventional tools around the house, we'll use anything that's handy. But when pounding a nail, don't use a shoe - shoes cost $40 a pair. A package of frozen ham-burgers costs $5. Use the hamburger."
-Jeannie Dietz

I'm looking for a perfume to overpower men - I'm sick of karate.
- Phyllis Diller

"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
- Agatha Christie (she was married to one)

I once went for a job at an airline. The interviewer asked me why I wanted to be a stewardess, and I told her -- it would be a great chance to meet men. She looked at me and said, "But you can meet men anywhere." I said, "Strapped down?"
- Martha Raye

"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway."
- Jack Handey

"Dokter, kunt u meteen even langskomen? Mijn vrouw is zo ziek dat ik haar naar beneden heb moeten dragen om mijn ontbijt klaar te maken."

They do call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Don't be sexist, broads hate that.

Women shouldn't have children after 35. Really...35 children should be enough for anybody.

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
-Bob Ettinger

She put on eyebrow pencil, eye shadow, eyeliner, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush and lipstick, then turned to me and said, "Does this look natural?"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

Achter elke succesvolle man, staat een stomverbaasde schoonmoeder.

In een doodstille bioscoop: "Het kan me niet schelen dat je voornaam Napoleon is. Haal je hand uit mijn blouse!"

"I think the bottom-line difference between being single and being married is this: When you're single you're as happy as you are. When you're married, you can only be as happy as the least happy person in the apartment."
-Tom Hertz

"My wife and I went to Spain for our honeymoon. We get to fly free because of my wife's job. She's a terrorist."
- Brian Kiley

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead!

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same
"You know what's the worst thing about being the best man at a wedding? You never get a chance to prove it!"
-Unknown

Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:
Someone from the Guyna College called. They said Pabst beer is normal.

We're living in an age where you have to call a chick and ask her if she'll wear a dress tonight. And she says, "You're weird."
-Tim Rose

"There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can
cook and won't, and that's a spouse who can't cook and will."
- Anonymous

"Take your love and shove it up your big, fat ass."
-Vincent Laguardia Gambini

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new.

Three warning signs that your boyfriend/girlfriend is bored:
1. Fewer passionate kisses.
2. Frequent sighing.
3. Moved, left no forwarding address.
-Matt Groening

"Each I time I look at a man, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'"
-Rita Rudner

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is about 10 grand.

"This is a new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite
designer, On Sale."
-Rita Rudner 

"I once made love to a female clown. It was weird because she twisted my penis into a poodle."
-Dan Whitney

Don't judge your wife too harshly for her weaknesses. If she didn't have them chances are she would have never married you.

New Home Cloning Kit Instructions:
Go fuck yourself.

"Sex is private. It should only be discussed between the three people involved."
"I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone."
-Elayne Boosler

"Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
-Unknown

"My girlfriend is weird. She asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?'
I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, then forget it.'"
-Steven Wright

"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."
-Rita Rudner

Seen on a T-shirt:
"My sexual preference is not you."

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
-Socrates

"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature."
-Kevin Hench

Girl: You remind me of the sea.
Boy: Why? Because I'm so wild and romantic?
Girl: No. Because you make me sick.

"Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man."
-Erica Jong

"Without nipples, breasts would be pointless."
-Anonymous

"Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control."
-Diana Jordan

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
-Mae West

A lonely guy sees a beautiful gal sitting alone at the bar. He approaches her and says, "Hey, Baby! You must be from Jamaica because Jamaican me horny!"
She turns, takes one look at him, and answers, "You must be from the Yukon because Yukon go screw yourself!"
-Stan Kegel

"I have to talk to my girlfriend every day on the phone. My husband says, 'Why do you have to talk to her again today? You just talked to her yesterday. What could you possibly have to tell her?'
'Well, for one thing, I have to tell her you just said that.'"
-Rita Rudner

"My wife finally convinced me to sign what's called a living will. It's a document that gives her the right, if I become attached to some mechanical device, to terminate my life. So yesterday, I'm on the exercise bike..."
-Jonathan Katz

"My wife came home one day and said, 'Look honey, I lost 15 pounds.' I said, 'If you look behind you, you'll find it.'"
-Slappy White

"Men, like nails, lose their usefulness when they lose direction and begin to bend."
-Walter Savage Landor

"My girlfriend is not a ball and chain--she's more of a spring-loaded trap."
-Kevin Hench

"I love being married... I was single for a long time and I just got sick of finishing my own sentences."
-Brian Kiley

The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was, "Are you sure you're not a cop?"
-Larry Brown

"I fall in love really quickly and this scares guys away.
I'm like, 'I'm in love with you, I want to marry you, I
want to move in with you!' And they're like, 'Ma'am, just
give me the ten bucks for the pizza and I'm outta here.'"
-Penny Wiggins

"Guys, learn this: even if you're just living with a woman
you're not even married to -- give up any thought of being
involved in interior decoration of the place you're going to
live in. All your beer stuff, your sports mirrors, put them
in storage. I've been to Wayne Gretsky's house, he's got
five MVP trophies, and you know where they are? They're in
the garage."
-Denis Leary

"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is
telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty
and immature."
-Kevin Hench

"Ultimately, love is self-approval."
-Sondra Ray
Life is spent between episodes of women being mad at you.
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner with."
- Anonymous woman .

I Love Her, But...

(A collection of men's thoughts on their women.)


... she has an uncanny way of standing between me and the television

screen. Bases loaded, two strikes, three balls. The crowd goes wild,

the pitch flies, and all I can see is her butt.

--Howard, Dodge City, Kan.

... she was furious when I got up early once and made her breakfast.

Called me controlling. How dare I decide that she would eat

breakfast,let alone what she'd have?

--Ted, Wexford, Pa.

... what's mine is hers. I buy her negligees; she sleeps in my T-

shirts. When she's cold she wears my wool socks to bed, never her

own. She steals my half-used razors; new ones are too sharp. She even

wears my boxers. I'm tempted to switch to briefs just to see what

she'd do.

--Dave, Martha's Vineyard, Mass.

... she makes lists; Things to buy, things to do, people to call. If

it's not on the list, it doesn't get done. Once, to be funny, I

put "sex" on the list. Mistake. Now it has to be on the list, or it

doesn't get done.

--Nick, Wheeling, W.Va.

... you can hear her eat soup from the next room.

--Bruce, Bridgewater, N.J.

... when she gets an idea in her head, there's no stopping her. And

no rest for anyone until it's done. It's not so bad when the idea is

to bake cookies, or even to go on vacation. But when it's to build a

new house, or to get pregnant, things get pretty intense.

--Jim, Minneapolis

... my wife thinks everyone should be a vegetarian. During meals, she

asks people how they can eat dead cows, or if they know that their

pork chops used to be smarter than their dogs.

--Miles, Shreveport, La.

... every so often boom! Shes a brunette. Or I come home to a

redhead. Actually, I have no idea what her natural color is.

--Cary, Seattle

... she'll brush her teeth but she won't go to the dentist. She says

she's not afraid of the pain; she just doesn't want to put herself in

the hands of any fellow who'd choose to be a dentist.

--Terence, Gary, Ind.

... Shes stopped shaving her legs. She says that now people will know

she's a natural blonde.

--Ned, Tucson, Ariz.

... she takes her half of the bed out of the middle.

-Robin, Gladwyne, Pa.

... have you ever seen a woman with green crust and slime smeared

over her face, dark holes for her nostrils? Do you think you'd be

able to sleep at night, knowing that creature is next to you?

--Arthur, Cedar City, Utah

... my wife's allergic to everything. Her nose is chronically

stuffed. If I kissed her on the mouth, she'd suffocate.

--Bryan, Toledo, Ohio

... after sex, I mean the second after, she continues where she left

off. Her eyes open and before you can breathe, you hear, " ... and,

oh, yeah, I have to defrost the chicken, and your mother wants you to

pick up her dry cleaning..."

--Jimmy, Fort Lauderdale, Fla.

... in bed I'm her high school teacher, captain of the football team,

her boss, the bad boy, a waiter, a lifeguard, a telephone repairman,

a cop. Once in a while I'd like to be me.

--Neil, Orlando, Fla.

... she wears these false eyelashes. She left 'em lying around and I

slammed 'em with my newspaper, tried to kill the damn things. Scared

me half to death.

--Gordon, Oklahoma City, Okla.

... she takes those soaps too seriously. I'll come home and find her

in tears because some character died. Or upset that some nonexistent

guy's having a fictional affair.

--Archie, St. Louis

... she will not shop at discount stores or sales. She thinks they're

crowded and plebeian. She doesn't even look at the reduced rack,

other than, perhaps, for gifts for my mother.

--Conrad, Wilmington, Del.

... it annoys her that our children look like me.

--James, New Orleans

... counting my wife and our teenage girls, that's four

women.Somebody's always got PMS.

--Everett, Little Rock, Ark.

... with five kids, I don't have time to complain about my wife. I

don't have time to notice her.

--Bob, Charleston, W.Va.