"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
- A Congressional Candidate in Texas

I may not have been the best president, but I sure had the most fun.
-Bill Clinton

"My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I have just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes."
- Former President Ronald Reagan, making a funny during a radio microphone test.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the US congress.
-Ronald Reagan

"My fellow astronauts..." --former Vice-President Dan Quayle,
beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.

Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.
-Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-[Former] Vice President Al Gore

If you are going through hell, keep going.
- Winston Churchill

In 1999, Vice President Al Gore ended an 11-day silence about his much-ridiculed claim that he invented the Internet. Gore said, "I was pretty tired when I made that comment because I had been up very late the night before inventing the camcorder..."

"The taxpayer - that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service exam- ination."
-Ronald Reagan

"It's not me who can't keep a secret it's the people I tell that can't."
-Abraham Lincoln

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
-Harry Truman

"There's one thing about being a president - nobody can tell you when to sit down."
-Dwight D. Eisenhower

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
-Dwight D. Eisenhower

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."
-Former mayor of DC, Marion Barry

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."
-Will Rogers

Did you know the record holder for speed-drinking a yard of beer is Bob Hawke. He later became Prime Minister of Australia. Tells you something about us Aussies, huh?
-Wendy Moncur

"Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything."
-Frank Dane

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened."
-Winston Churchill

"Unfortunately I can not totally agree with comrade Stalin."
 never would have agreed to the formulation of the CIA back in '47, if I had known it would become the American Gestapo.
-Harry S Truman (1961)

"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber."
-Plato (427-347 B.C.)

"Plato was a bore."
-Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal."
-Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)

"There are three faithful friends: an old wife, an old dog, and ready money."
-Benjamin Franklin

"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
-Will Rogers

"Nuclear physics is much easier than tax law. It's rational and always works the same way."
-Jerold Rochwald

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
-George Bush

"I don't intend for this to take on a political tone. I'm just here for the drugs."
-Former First Lady Nancy Reagan who was responsible for the "just say no" to drugs campaign.

"...Bush knew the original AUSTIN POWERS movies inside out. During the presidential campaign, Bush often lifted his pinkie to the corner of his mouth -- to mimic the Dr. Evil character - at aggressive reporters."
-The Drudge Report

"Nobody believes the official spokesperson, but everybody trusts an unidentified source."
-Ron Nesen

The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.

"The police aren't here to create disorder. The police are here to preserve disorder."
-The late Chicago mayor Richard J. Daley

"I'm in favor of liberalized immigration because of the effect it would have on restaurants. I'd let just about everybody in except the English."
-Calvin Tillin

"Most people hate the taste of beer to begin with. It is,
however, a prejudice that many people have been able to
overcome."
-Winston Churchill

"Don't get excited about a tax cut. It's like a mugger giving
you back fare for a taxi."
-Arnold Glasow

"The good news is the White House is giving George W Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves."
-David Letterman

I don't buy temporary insanity as a murder defense. Because people kill people. That's and animal instinct. I think breaking into someone's home and ironing all their clothes is temporary insanity.

"I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate
revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to
run up to him real quick and give it to him."
- Jack Handey

On the subject of killer kangaroos, I've done a little
searching in FBI files under the Freedom of Information
Act. Turns out a few years ago, the Russians were looking
to save money, as paying soldiers was getting to be a real
dilemma. They were training a bunch of kangaroos how to
shoot, in the hopes the roos would be a cost-effective way
to wage war. The FBI called them kangarooskies.
-pacman

"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation."
-Howard Scott

"A budget tells us what we can't afford, but it doesn't keep us from buying it."
-William Feather

"In the early days of the Indian Territory, there were no such things as birth certificates. You being there was certificate enough."
-Will Rogers

All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a penis or vagina.
-Florynce Kennedy

"When you go to court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."
-Norm Crosby

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
-A.H. Weiler

"If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead."
-Gelett Burgess

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
-Lily Tomlin

"In America, we tax work, investment, employment, savings, and production, while we subsidize non-work, consumption, and debt. It's time we reverse this trend."
-Jack Kemp

There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
"You can bomb the world into pieces, but you cannot bomb it into peace."
- Michael Franti

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist---"
-John Sedgwick - Last words during a Civil War battle.

"America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization."
-George Clemenceau, 1841-1921

De directeur van een autofabriek tegen een van zijn assistenten:
"Als onze arbeiders niet elke dag te laat kwamen doordat ze uren in de file staan, zouden we elke week tweehonderd auto's meer van de band kunnen laten rollen."

"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."
- Humbert H. Humphrey, 1911-1978

"Somebody recently figured out that we have 35 million laws to enforce the Ten Commandments."
-Bert Masterson

"Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much."
-Oscar Wilde

"I'm suing my boss for sexual harassment... and it's real hard, and a big strain on me... because he hasn't done anything."
- Sarah Silverman

"George Washington had fifty-five children with slaves, so he was also the illegitimate father of the country. We should take him off the dollar and put him on food stamps."
-The Mooney Twins

Waxing eloquent on the dangers of sinning, one dynamic young preacher boomed to the congregation from the pulpit, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have sinned and are unrepentant, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf!"
"When my mother makes out her income tax return every year, under occupation she writes in, 'Eroding my daughter's self- esteem.'"
-Robin Roberts

"Whatever you have, spend less."
-Samuel Johnson

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
"Just think, Monica Lewinsky turns 28 years old this year! It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around on the floor of the Oval Office."
-Unknown

Official Government Policy: If it ain't broke, fix it till' it is.

"I think all cars should have car phones in them, and their license plates should be their phone numbers. So you can call them up and tell them to get out of the way. Old folks would have 800 numbers."
- John Mendoza

CLINTON stands for: Call Lewinsky I Need That Orgasm Now!

If a movie is "R-rated," it means that if you're under seventeen, you have to see it with an adult: "What's he doing, Dad?" "He's fucking her, Son."
-George Carlin

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

the purest form of democracy is a good old-fashioned fight to the death.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Remember...when all is said and done, more is said than done.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
-Matt Groening

What do Martin Luther King Jr., George Washington, and Thomas Jefferson have in common?
They were all born on holidays.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your
garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent
of the people in this world.

You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
-Al Capone

"I'm the white Anglo-Saxon male: I'm everybody's asshole. Black people think I'm physically deficient and oppressive, gay people think I'm latently homosexual and overly macho, women think I'm oafish and horny, and Asians think I'm lazy and stupid."
-Dennis Miller

Did you hear about the new Marilyn Monroe stamp?
When you lick it, you feel like one of the Kennedys.