"I think I'd be a good mother. Maybe a little overprotective.
Like I would never let the kid out....of my body."
-Wendy Liebman

"I finally quit smoking by using the patch. I put six of them over my mouth."
-Wendy Liebman

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
- Kevin James

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
-John Wing

"Do you know how the Amish hunt? They sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it."
-Tim Bedore

"My mother got her cataracts removed several years ago. The
doctor gave her these huge sunglasses to wear. She still
wears them. She thinks they're attractive. How do I tell
her she looks like Bea Arthur as a welder?"
-Judy Gold

"The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction."
-Wayne H.

"You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker."
-Zach Galifianakis

"I drank what?"-
Socrates

"I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get 7 years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5."
-Steven Wright

"Growing up, my Mom always claimed to feel bad when a bird would slam head-first into our living room window. If she *really* felt bad, though, she'd have moved the bird feeder outside."
- Rich Johnson

"They say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, but I think that a laughing gas factory would be pretty tough competition."
-Greg Pettit

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
-Calvin Trillin

"Close that door. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
 -Jesus' mother

"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked if I had any questions. I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? He said he couldn't answer that. I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then."
-Steven Wright

In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry.
-Kevin Krisciunas

Americans are a broad-minded people. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater,and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive there's something wrong with him.
-Art Buchwald

"You know what bugs me? People who smoke cigarettes in restaurants. That's why I always carry a water pistol filled with gasoline."
-Paul Provenza

"When I finished school, I took one of those career aptitude tests, and based on my verbal ability score, they suggested I become a mime."
- Tim Cavanagh

"A Catholic lost his faith once and became a hard-bitten atheist. His new credo was, 'There is no God and Mary is his mother.'"
-Isaac Asimov

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz convertible.
-P.J.O'Rourke

Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb.Now turn it off and get to bed!
-Thomas Edison's Mother

"The trouble with being punctual is that there's nobody there to appreciate it."
-Harold Rome

"My son has taken up meditation... at least it's better than sitting around doing nothing."
-Max Kauffmann

"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"
-Dennis Leary

The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no conspiracy. Nobody's out to get you. Nobody gives a shit whether you live or die. There, you feel better now?
-Dennis Miller

"I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born,but I really don't see any reason he had to call me a whore."
-Sarah Silverman

"I don't understand the body piercing movement. I saw one guy who had eight rings through his eyebrows. I couldn't help my-self. I ran up to him and hung a shower curtain on his face."
-Harland Williams

"I could tell my parents were smoking pot when I was a kid.

They'd go into their bedroom at eight, and we'd have smoke

billowing from the ventilation system. The pot would go into

the habit-trail where my hamster was running on its wheel.

It would get a contact high, get off the wheel and lie down,

and then it would eat everything in its cage."

---Scott Silverman

"Neither of my parents understand how an answering machine works. When my mother leaves me a message she's actually trapped inside the machine. It is just like a desperate cry, 'Carol? Carol? Are you there? I'm in the machine.' And my father's even worse. He leaves me messages like this, 'Uh, tell her that her father called.'"
-Caroline Rhea

"The technological advance I wish I could get added to my answering machine is a 'Get-to-the-point' button."
-Alicia Brandt

"I don't kill flies... I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'"
- Bruce Baum

"Ever go to a hospital in the South? They're in no hurry down there. I saw a plaque over the emergency room door that read,'Time heals all wounds.'"
- Steve Bluestein

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-Ernest Hemingway

I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.
-Steven Pearl

"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'"
- George Carlin

"I don't believe in hitting my kids. I find that waving my gun around pretty much does the trick."
- Denis Leary

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
- Spike Milligan

I'd like to help the homeless, but they're never home.
-Lenny Clarke

"Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel."
- George Appel, d. 1928 Executed in electric chair in New York.

"U.S. educators are reeling from the low math and science test scores of American students. We bombed in history, too. Over 90 percent of high school students think BC means Before Cable."
-Argus Hamilton

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you."
-Mary Bly

"Sometimes I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It's beyond me."
-Zora Neale Hurston, U.S. novelist

Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day,
the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched
on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul)

In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our
own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue)

In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to
do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some
fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith)

In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the
creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
(Barry Blyveis)

In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot.
In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for
traction. (Bill Flavin)

In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver
Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart)

In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we
did. (Peg Sheeran)

"The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it's more politically correct."
- William White

"There's nothing like a depressant to chase away the blues!"
- Carl and Lenny

"Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, they shouldn't have believed me in the first place."
-Jack Handy

"Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone."
-Jan Kingsley

"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, HE was a genius."
-Sid Caesar

"He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass."
-Howard Kandel

"After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations."
-H. L. Mencken,on Shakespeare

"I drink to make other people interesting."
-George Jean Nathan

"It is generally agreed that 'Hello' is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people."
-Dolph Sharp

"ABC News says Americans spend $300 billion every year on games of chance, and that doesn't even include weddings and elections."
-Argus Hamilton

"If you're deep enough in denial to actually think that you
had a happy childhood, there's always a shrink who will tell
you that you must be forgetting something."
-Dennis Miller 

"Is it possible to get a cup of coffee-flavored coffee any- more in this country? What happened with coffee? Did I miss a meeting? They have every other flavor but coffee-flavored coffee. They have mochaccino, frappaccino, cappuccino, al pacino... Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup."
-Denis Leary

"I have my own personal psychic. He doesn't predict the future, and he can't tell you much about your past. But he does a really fantastic job of describing the present. For instance, he can tell you exactly what you're wearing, but he can't do it over the phone."
-George Carlin

"Dolly, the famous cloned sheep, got pregnant in the old-fashioned, conventional way--by a shepherd."
-Bill Maher

"If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled."
-P.G. Wodehouse

"A couple of months in the laboratory can save a couple of hours in the library."
-Westheimer's Discovery

"Editor: One who sorts the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff."
-Adlai Stevenson 

"At Thanksgiving my mom always makes too much food, especially one item, like 700 or 800 pounds of sweet potatoes. She's got to push it during the meal. 'Did you get some sweet potatoes? They're hot! There's more in the oven...some more in the garage. The rest is over at the Johnson's.'"
-Louie Anderson

"When I fly I always fly first class. Not the whole way but just until they kick me out."
-Pauly Shore

"Safety was not a big thing when I was growing up. A seatbelt was something that got in the way: 'Ma, the seat belt is digging into my back.' 'Stuff it down into the seat. And roll those windows up, you're letting the cigarette smoke out.'"
-Margaret Smith

"I worked as a receptionist for a while, but I couldn't get
the hang of it. I kept answering the phone by saying, 'Hello,
can you help me?'"
-Caroline Rhea 

"I like long walks -- especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
-Fred Allen 

"As the horse-power of modern automobiles steadily increases, the congestion of traffic steadily lowers the average speed of your car. This is known as Progress."
-Sydney Harris

I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building.
-Charles Schulz

To enter life by way of the vagina is as good a way as any.
-Henry Miller (1891-1980)

"I never liked school. I got an 'F' one time on a question
that asked my opinion."
-Gallagher

"Apparently a new galaxy is being formed or something. But what it is, is they have discovered a huge cloud of dust out there. And scientists believe if they could look and see under the dust, they would find an enormous exercise bicycle."
-Bill Maher 

"These two guys are now trying to clone human genes into cows, so that you'd get cows that would give human milk. Or, maybe you'd get girls with four really big tits. I'm sure they think, either way, big improvement."
-Cathryn Michon

"My mother was as religious as she was repressed. Her facts-of- life speech began with the phrase, 'Satan takes many forms...'"
-Dana Gould

"My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called 'Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.'"
-Penelope Lombard 

"Here's what the Encyclopedia Galactica has to say about
alcohol. It says that alcohol is a colorless volatile liquid
formed by the fermentation of sugars and also notes its in- toxicating effect on certain carbon-based life forms.

"The Hitchhiker's Guide also mentions alcohol. It says that
the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.
It says that the effect of drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle
Blaster is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of
lemon wrapped round a large gold brick."
-Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

"I understand life isn't fair, but why couldn't it just once be unfair in my favor?"
-Christy Murphy

"A couple nights ago, I was licking jelly off my boyfriend's penis, and I thought, Oh, my God--I'm turning into my mother!"
- Sarah Silverman

"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3."
-Alice Kahn

"The shortest distance between two points is usually under construction."
-Wayne H.

A man is seated in a football stadium with a small TV set tuned to the game. The sideline camera takes the picture, and his image travels through the lens, out of the camera, to the truck, to the satellite, to a ground station several miles away, back into the air, and to the man's TV set.
He sees himself on the screen. The image travels from his eyes to his brain. His brain sends a signal to his arm to start waving. The image travels to the camera, through the lens, to the truck, to the satellite, to another ground station a thousand miles away where it is retransmitted into the air and picked up by a cable company that sends it to the man's parent's TV set.
The image travels from the screen to his mother's eyes, along the optic nerve to her brain, where it references her memory and recognition takes place. Her brain then sends a series of signals to her lungs, throat, lips, and tongue, and she says, "Look, it's Miller!"
-George Carlin

"I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes."
-Steven Wright

"I like Yorkshire terriers. They're good to wash your car with. They fit right in the bucket."
-Billiam Coronel

"You know you're old when they've discontinued your blood type."
-Phyllis Diller

"When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, 'Give me a table near a waiter.'"
-Henny Youngman

"I don't understand people who go to amusement parks. I spend most of my time trying NOT to be nauseous. 'Excuse me, could you strap me in upside down? I'd like to be as sick as humanly possible. I feel great today, I think I'll go down to Funland and snap my neck on the back of a ride. Honey, let's bring the kids, I want to give them a spinal cord injury for Christmas.'"
-Dom Irrera

"Animals may be our best friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport."
-Bobcat Goldthwait

"Last night I went out with some people for Mexican food,which is unusual...because I hate people."
-Amy Foster

"My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope it's not hereditary."
-Steven Wright

"One time we were driving through a construction zone and the sign said, SPEED LIMIT 35 AHEAD. And there were four of us in the car. We were through there in no time."
-Geechy Guy

"A recent economic study revealed that the best time to buy anything is last year."
-Marty Allen

At a party, a woman walked up to Calvin Coolidge and said, "My husband bet me I couldn't get three words out of you."
-Coolidge replied "You lose."

"The other day I saw a guy with a sign that said, WHERE WILL YOU SPEND ETERNITY? Which freaked me out because I was on my way to the Department of Motor Vehicles."
-Arj Barker

"Sometimes I feel discriminated against, but it doesn't make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can any deny them- selves the pleasure of my company? It's beyond me."
-Zora Neale Hurston, U.S. novelist

"If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled."
-P.G. Wodehouse

"My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
-Eric Morecambe

"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'"
-Steven Wright

"For safety's sake, I try not to go to the ATM at night. I also try not to go with my four-year-old, who screams, 'We got money! We got money!'"
-Paul Clay

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
-Spike Milligan

"Forget low fat. My father used to take them hamburgers right off the grill, 95 percent fat, the other 5 percent lighter fluid."
-Jack Coen

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
-Steven Wright.

"One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends.
If they are OK, then it must be you."
-George Carlin

"I played with my grandfather a lot when I was a kid. He was dead, but my parents had him cremated and put his ashes in my Etch-a-Sketch."
-Alan Hawey

"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it."
-Steven Wright

"Last week Human Resources said they were going to garnish my wages. Call me dense, but I fail to see how a sprig of parsley in my paycheck will make it any more attractive."
-David Henry

"I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it."
-Steven Wright

"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
-F. P. Jones

"I wouldn't mind being the last man on Earth - just to see if all of those girls were telling me the truth."
-Ronnie Shakes

"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, HE was a genius."
-Sid Caesar

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
-Mitch Hedberg

"The new candies get their names from things people exclaim, like, "Bonkers!" or "Nerds!" And I got to thinking...wouldn't it be funny if they based a line of candy on something my dad exclaims frequently? I don't know about you, but I'd get a kick out of candy called, 'Where's the Damned Scotch!'"
-Bob Oshack

"For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3."
-Alice Kahn

"There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure."
-Ross MacDonald

"I went to college and majored in Philosophy. My father said, 'Why don't you minor in Communications so you can wonder out loud?'"
-Mike Dugan

"They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, so I figure that's why my boyfriend moved."
-Christy Murphy

"I guess I'm sensitive about my hair loss. I think everybody's making fun of it. I went to buy a VCR and the guy said, 'Four Head?' --I punched him in the mouth."
-Dan Wilson

The only thing I like about rich people is their money.
-Lady Nancy Astor

I tried exercise as a means of burning fat, but it didn't work for me. When the fat started burning, it smelled like bacon and made me hungry.
-Planojo

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
-Shipping executive, FTD Florists

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
-Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division

"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning."
- Calvin

"Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake in the afternoon."
-Jilly Cooper, How to Survive from Nine to Five

"Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it."
-Don Herold

"The squeaky wheel doesn't always get greased; sometimes it gets replaced."
-John Peers

"If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might as well stay home."
-James Michener on traveling

"Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla."
-Jim Bishop

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
-Robert Frost

"The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."
-GK Chesterton

Asked why she was leaving her position, a secretary explained in her letter of resignation:
"Dear Boss, My reason for leaving will soon be apparent - and so will I. Signed:
-Mary."

"I suffer from two phobias: 1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and 2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly."
- Brad Stine

"Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself."
- Peter da Silva

"I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind."
- Steve Allen

"The Senate has proposed and passed the tax cut for marriage.
Married people apparently had been paying more in taxes, and Republicans feel that marriage is penalty enough."
-Bill Maher

"He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, and a loyal friend;
provided, of course, he really is dead."
-Voltaire.

"My parents used to beat the shit out of me. And, looking back on it, I'm glad they did. I'm looking forward to beating the shit out of my own kids, for no reason whatsoever."
-Denis Leary

"I've been described as a lighthouse in the middle of a bog: Brilliant but useless."
-Connor Cruise O'Brien.

"I can speak Esperanto like a native."
-Spike Milligan.

"What's on your mind, if you'll forgive the overstatement?"
-Fred Allen.

"Of course America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up."
-Oscar Wilde

"My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years."
-Paul Merton.

"Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said 'Hey, how's it going?' So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his back and said 'Now whose asking the questions?'"
-Jack Handey

"I wish I were telepathic. Not just to read people's minds, which would be cool, but to cut down on my cellular phone bill."
-Paul Wiley

"Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists who are panicked by the thought that the public was beginning to understand the old ones."
-Mike Barfiel

"Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves they have a better idea."
-John Ciardi

"My initial response was to sue her for defamation of
character, but then I realized that I had no character.
-Charles Barkley

"Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it."
-Robert Frost

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.
-Adrienne Gusoff

"Unhappiness is not knowing what we want out of life and killing ourselves to get it." -
Don Herold

"I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that."
- Tom Lehrer

"The child had his mother's eyes, his mother's nose and his
mother's mouth. Which left his mother with a pretty blank
expression."
-Robert Benchley

"In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks."
- Calvin and Hobbes

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.
-Lily Tomlin

Ignorance is the mother of admiration.
-George Chapman

"I have a nice little house in LA. Well, the bedroom is nice. I have French doors in the bedroom. They don't open unless I lick them."
-Judy Gold

"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers."
-Doug Larson

"Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency
they're going to catch you in next."
-Franklin P. Jones

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
-Lily Tomlin

"I'm not going to tell you to go fuck yourself because I'm not that kind of guy."
-Magilla

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that eralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I've found it!), but 'That's funny...'"
-Isaac Asimov

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
-Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure.
-Clarence Darrow

"Miniature cocktail: You drink one and in a miniature out."
-Henny Youngman

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it."
-Sam Levenson

"Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards in emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch."
-Dave James

"A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself."
-Lisa Kirk

"I've had people ask me if I were shipwrecked on a deserted island, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.'"
-Steven Wright

"I hate flowers. I only paint them because they're cheaper than models and they don't move."
-Georgia O'Keefe

"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you."
-Woody Hayes

There's one time when anyone can get in the last word:

Convict James French, seated in the electric chair: "How about this for a headline in tomorrow's paper, French Fries!'"

Voltaire, asked on his deathbed to renounce Satan: "This is no time to make new enemies."

Karl Marx, grouchy to the last: "Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!"

"Often the hands will solve a mystery that the intellect has struggled with in vain."
-Carl G. Jung

According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were.
-Biker Lynn

"Consultants have credibility because they aren't dumb enough to work at your company."
-Scott Adams

"I saw this water-safety manual that actually says if a shark attacks, you should poke it in the eyes! Who wrote that, the Three Stooges?"
-Larry Reeb

"New York City: No matter how many times I visit this great city I'm always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxi cab."
-Scott Adams

"No one appreciates the value of constructive criticism more thoroughly than the one who's giving it."
-Hal Chadwick

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I."
-Frank Crow

"Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, they shouldn't have believed me in the first place."
-Jack Handy

"I deserve someone who likes me for who I am pretending to be."
-Arj Barker

"I think kids appreciate it when adults actually treat them
like people. Little, stupid people who cry a lot."
-Bob Van Voris

"Sometimes, when reading Goethe, I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny."
-Guy Davenport

"I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves."
-Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)

"Be careful of your thoughts; they may become words at any moment."
-Ira Gassen

"This isn't right, this isn't even wrong."
-Wolfgang Pauli (1900-1958), upon reading a young physicist's paper

"My father would say things that made no sense at all,
like, 'If I were the last person on earth, some moron
would turn left in front of me.'"
-Louie Anderson

"I prefer Hostess fruit pies to pop-up toaster tarts because they don't require so much cooking."
- Carrie Snow

"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart."
-E E Cummings (1894-1962)

"If you haven't all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you didn't want."
-Anon.

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
-Stephen King

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."
-Ashleigh Brilliant

"When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped."
-Marcel Achard

"Whenever I reflect upon the events of the summer of 1776, I feel thankful that I wasn't one of the Founding Fathers. Mainly because I'd be dead now."
-David Gunter

"I had general anesthesia for my surgery. It's so weird. You go to sleep in one room and then wake up four hours later in a totally different room. Just like in college."
-Ross Shafer

"Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it."
-Dilbert

"And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected."
-Spike Milligan

"Times have sure changed. Yesterday a bum asked me if I could spare $2.75 for a double cappuccino with no foam."
-Bill Jones

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day!
We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy
for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
-(Attributed to a R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

"For every ten jokes, thou hast got a hundred enemies."
-Laurence Sterne (British Novelist)

"I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it."
-Thomas Jefferson

"When your IQ rises to 28, sell."
-Professor Irwin Corey to a Heckler

"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?"
-Jean Cocteau, (1889-1963) The French poet, writer, artist, and film maker.

"So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work."
-Peter Drucker

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it."
-Mary Wilson Little

"I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder."
-Craig Charles

"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life."
-George Carlin

"This book fills a much-needed gap."
-Moses Hadas (1900-1966) in a review

"I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do."
-Lenny Bruce

"There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start..."
-Brad Ramsey

"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."
-Buddy Hackett

I was actually fired as a Denny's dishwasher. They didn't
even know how to fire me -- they had never done it in the
history of Denny's. They just sent me out to take out the
garbage and locked the door behind me.

I'm like, "Let me in."

And they're like, "Go to Wendy's!"
-Mitch Fatal

"Camping isn't what it used to be. 'Honey, I'm going to go get some firewood, do you have change for a twenty?'"
- Nick Arnette

"He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet."
- Fred Allen

"Writing is easy. All you have to do is stare at a blank
sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead."
- Gene Fowler

"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."
-Peter De Vries

"Don't worry if your job is small, and your rewards are few. Remeber that the mighty oak was once a nut like you!"

"Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just
call them 'impressions' and if you got a different impression
so what, can't we all be brothers?"
-Jack Handey

I was recently invovled in a 5 car chain-reaction rear-ending.
Insurance info was swapped while DeKalb's finest was taking
attendence.
Towards the end, since none of us were hurt, we mentioned
how it was nice meeting everyone. As the initiator of the
collision was climbing into his car, he remarked, "Well, it
was nice bumping into you."
-Jon Greiman

"In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And
God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light
from the dark. And did two loads of laundry."
-Kevin Krisciunas

"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked if
I had any questions. I said yes, just one, if you're in a
car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your head- lights on, does anything happen? He said he couldn't answer
that. I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then."
-Steven Wright

"After a year of therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe
life isn't for everyone.'"
-Larry Brown

"I was on a job interview, and was asked what my dream job
would be. I said, 'The words dream and job don't really go
together for me. How about "dream, no job." Do you have that?'"
-Chris Mancini

"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking,
and then I thought, what good would that do?"
-Ronnie Shakes

"You can't go to a public pool and splash around any more. Everyone is swimming laps now. Some guy jumped in behind me and said, "How long you gonna be using this lane, dude?"
And I said, "Until my bladder's empty, punk."
- Tommy Sledge

"This time, like all times, is a very good one if we but know what to do with it."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an
even bigger pain the second time around.
-Herb Caen

What happens to born-again Christians who experience deja vu?
-Lewis

I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and
she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked
her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.'
-Dave George