"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
- Rich Jeni

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
- Rich Jeni

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
- Rich Jeni

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
- Rich Jeni

(On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
- Rich Jeni

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
-Richard Jeni

"Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! Those feet are too big.'"
-Richard Jeni