"I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that
the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso."
-Rita Rudner

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
-Rita Rudner

"The police get carried away with those uniforms. I got a ticket for jaywalking and I was petrified. This policeman comes up to me. He has this great big helmet, black boots, sunglasses and the belt with all the stuff hanging off it. He says, 'Excuse me, little lady. Did you know you crossed against the light?' I had this terrible desire to say, 'No, do you know that you look like one of the Village People?'"
-Rita Rudner

"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping."
-Rita Rudner

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better when it's on.'
On what? On fire?"
-Rita Rudner