"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
- Rodney Dangerfield.

"With my wife, nothing is wasted. When the cuffs wear out in my shirt, it becomes a short-sleeved shirt. When the collar goes, it becomes a pajama top. Right now I've got 44 short-sleeved pajama tops. Sometimes, when I've got nothin' to do, I sit around the house and change pajama tops."
-Rodney Dangerfield

"I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me."
-Rodney Dangerfield

"My uncle's dying wish was that he wanted me on his lap-He was in the electric chair."
-Rodney Dangerfield

"I don’t get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it."
-Rodney Dangerfield

"I was about to walk on to do my show one night when a man in the audience stopped me and said, 'Rodney, do me a favor before you go on. Could I have your autograph...and some more butter?'"
-Rodney Dangerfield

"With the kind of shape I'm in you could donate my body to science fiction!"
-Rodney Dangerfield in BACK TO SCHOOL