"I saw this movie about a bus that had to speed around a city,
keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would
explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow
Down."
-Homer Simpson

"Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman."
-Homer Simpson

"Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use."
-Homer Simpson

"Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"
-Homer Simpson

"What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it."
-Bart Simpson

"What a day, eh Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them---as is my understanding."
-Bart Simpson

"English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England!"
-Homer Simpson

"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"
-Homer Simpson

"When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"
-Homer Simpson

"The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a
boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of
those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're
sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."
-Homer Simpson

"And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter?
Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some
old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home
winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?"
-Homer Simpson

"Trying is the first step towards failure."
-Homer Simpson

"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."
- Homer Simpson

"Ahh, but I'd trade it all for a little more."
- Montgomery Burns, THE SIMPSONS

"I want to share something with you -- the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss!" Number three, "It was like that when I got here."
-Homer Simpson

"Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel."
-Homer Simpson

"If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!"
-Homer Simpson

"To alcohol, The cause of, and solution to all of life's problems!"
-Homer Simpson (after the prohibition ended)

"Marge, my pants are on fire again!"
-Homer Simpson

...we're supposed to be a team Marge. It's u-ter-us, not u-ter-you!
-Homer Simpson

DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...

RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...

ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,

FAR..... the distance to my beer

SO...... I think I'll have a beer...

LA...... La la la la la la beer

TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...

That will bring us back to...(Looks into an empty glass)

DOE RE MI BEER,

by Homer J. Simpson.
D'OH!

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
-Homer Simpson

If God had wanted me to go to church for an hour a week, he would have made the week an hour longer.
-Homer Simpson


"I'll keep it short and sweet. Family. Religion. Friendship.
These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to
succeed in business."
- Montgomery Burns, THE SIMPSONS