"Julia [Roberts], I miss our phone calls. But it seems like ever since you got Caller ID you're never home."
-Steve Martin

"I don't want to go to jail because there are robbers and rapers and rapers who rape robbers!"
-Gus Gorman (Richard Pryor) Superman III

"I didn't have time. I was too busy breaking up Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman's marriage."
-George Clooney, in response to the rumor that he's the reason Julia Roberts and Benjamin Bratt split up.

"When I was in school, I was beaten every 30 minutes. It never did me any harm except for some psychological mal- adjustments and blurred vision."
-John Cleese

The lion and the calf shall lie down together,but the calf won't get much sleep.
-Woody Allen

"I love a man who can wear my underwear."
- Actress Yasmine Bleeth

"The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband being big enough to step back and see where his wife is wrong."
-Archie Bunker, ALL IN THE FAMILY

"How come you always want to make love to me from behind, is it because you want to pretend I'm somebody else?"
-Satan ~ South Park: The Movie

"It's a hundred and seventeen miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.""Hit it."
-John Belushi and Dan Akroyd as Jake and Elwood ~ The Blues Brothers

"Losers always talk about doing their best; winners go home and f*ck the prom queen."
-Sean Connery as Mason ~ The Rock

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
-Drew Carey

"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
- Woody Allen

"What insight could you possibly hope to gain from a man whose I.Q. wouldn't make a respectable earthquake?"
-Diane Chambers (Shelley Long), CHEERS

"*sniff* You smell kinda pretty......wanna smell me?"
-Johnny Bravo

patient: I'm trying to quit smoking, but it's so hard. I've even tried that thing with the needles...
Dr Katz: Acupuncture?
patient: heroin...

"I'll buy the bl...bl...bl...uhh...green one!"
-Porky Pig when he was buying a car.

"Avoid fruits and nuts-you are what you eat."
-Garfield

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'"
-Charlie Brown

Life is like a box of chocolates...a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. You're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast, and the taste is fleeting.So you end up with broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, and if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is a...is an empty box...filled with useless, brown paper wrappers. -'Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man,' The X-Files

"I told you 158 times I cannot stand little notes on my pillow. 'We are out of cornflakes. F.U.' It took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar. It's not your fault Felix: it's a rotten combination, that's all."
- Walter Matthau to Jack Lemmon in The Odd Couple, 1968

"One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again."
-Jim Carrey

"I gave my cat a bath the other day. He just sat there.
Actually, I think he enjoyed it. It wasn't very fun for me,
though. The fur kind of stuck to my tongue."
-Steve Martin

"Yeah, it was a beauty, coming home I was held up 31 minutes in the subway. Packed in like sardines, we were. No lights, no fans, just me pressed up against a 300-pound Italian man, half of which was pure garlic."
-Archie Bunker on the subway

"Sometimes I have trouble getting out of the house at night. My wife and I are about to leave and my youngest daughter doesn't want to go to bed. She says, "Sleep with me! Sleep with me!" She says it over and over again. It upsets me. I flash-forward twenty years and picture her saying it to the cable guy."
-Bob Saget

"In high school I was in marching band...so you know the babes were all over me."
-Drew Carey

"I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job, and I don't want it."
-Bill Cosby

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
-Steve Martin

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."
-Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
-Woody Allen

"The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt."
-Jerry Seinfeld

"If you've enjoyed watching this program just half as much as we've enjoyed doing it, then we've enjoyed it twice as much as you."
-Michael Palin, Monty Python's Flying Circus

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer."
-Mel Brooks

"Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you."
-Fran Lebowitz

"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
-Tommy Cooper

"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days."
-Tim Allen

"You're always a little disappointing in person because you can't be the edited essence of yourself."
-Mel Brooks

"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love."
-Charlie Brown

"There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?"
-Elaine the stewardess in AIRPLANE

"My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look."
-from CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS

"The only reason I did a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill."
-Peter Ustinov.

"Marriage is very difficult. Very few of us are fortunate enough to marry multimillionaire girls with 39-inch busts who have undergone frontal lobotomies."
-Tony Curtis

"Thank you very much. That makes up for the strip search."
-Woody Allen, as he received a standing ovation at the Oscars.

(In a restaurant to waitress): "I didn't complain about the steak, my dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tied up out back."
-W.C. Fields

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height."
-Woody Allen

"Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat."
-Fran Lebowitz

"A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead."
- Stan Laurel

"Minks are mean little critters. Vicious, horrible little animals who eat their own. They're not beavers. I wouldn't wear beavers. I'd rather have a mink coat made of mean little critters that are killed in a very nice way and treated nicely for their short, mean lives so that I could keep warm."
- Actress Valerie Perrine

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"

"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"

"For a beer?"

"No, for stupid questions."

[Thanks to the clever script writers on the television show
CHEERS.]

"A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice."
-Bill Cosby

"Always carry a flask of whiskey in case of snakebites and furthermore, always carry a small snake."
-W.C. Fields

"There she was: dejected, desperate, and stoned. Everything I could have hoped for in a woman."
-Louis DePalma (Taxi)

Dear Joe, Having grown up in Madison Wi, I can tell you that there are plenty of things to do in Milwaukee that do not involve drinking beer. Problem is, I am too drunk to remember them right now!
-Monte in Grand Rapids

"Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory."
-Joan Rivers

You can always spot a well-informed man -- his views are the same as yours.
-Ilka Chase, US actress from the 30s

"Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
-A. L. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was
deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has
to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
-Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again!"
-Jim Carrey

"So I was getting into my car, and this fellow says to me, "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'"
-Tommy Cooper

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
-Tommy Cooper

"Husbands: a small band of men, armed only with wallets, besieged by a horde of wives and children."
-National Lampoon, 1979

"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building."
-Charlie Brown

"I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed."
-Bruce Lee.

"His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge."
-Movie critic John Stark

"One of the most astounding cases of clairvoyance is that of
the noted Greek psychic Achilles Loudos. Loudos realized
that he had unusual powers by the age of ten, when he could
lie in bed and, by concentrating, make his father's false
teeth jump out of his mouth."
-Woody Allen

"When you're a dad you can't keep your cool car. Fancy stereo,
power windows' sunroof - the kids will kill all that stuff.
Take an ordinary cookie. In the hands of a kid it becomes a
sugar hand grenade. You take the car into the shop because
chocolate chips are clogging the carburetor."
-Sinbad

"I wonder just how hot a commodity Cindy Crawford would be if that mole were on the end of her nose."
-Norm Wilcox

"Don't worry. Pain is just nature's way of telling you that you're in horrible agony."
-A dentist to Johnny Bravo (the cartoon)

"Whoa man, is it a blazer out there! It's a good thing you
got air conditioning in here like Mother Nature intended."
-Cousin Eddie, "NATIONAL LAMPOON'S VEGAS VACATION"

"You shouldn't put down a loser, Cindy...because you might
be one yourself someday."
- Carol Brady, The Brady Bunch

"Because a man is unfaithful to you is no reason to leave him. You should stay with him and make sure the rest of his life is a living hell."
-Roseanne Barr

"I started paying very close attention to myself during PMS and that's how I found my basics for Satan."
-Curvy JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT summoned up memories of all her worst pre-menstrual tantrums to play SATAN in forthcoming movie THE DEVIL AND DANIEL WEBSTER, being directed by ALEC BALDWIN

My first day in basic training, we were lined up in a row,
each of us in turn having to shout our last names. After
the guy next to me had yelled, "Florence," it was my turn.
I had no sooner called out my name than the training
instructor was in my face, demanding to know if I was some
kind of smart aleck. Satisfied that I wasn't, the red-faced
TI told me never to stand next to that guy again.
-Contributed by Charles W. Nightingale

"Are you going to come quietly or do I have to use earplugs?"
-From 'The Goon show'

"Nishiki Okimoto died yesterday. He was one of the primary engineers who worked on the first VCR. His funeral service will be at 12:00...12:00...12:00..."
-Dennis Miller

Televangelist Oral Roberts married his wife decades ago, and
they had a son they named Richard who became a televangelist
like his father. Do you realize that Richards Roberts was
conceived through Oral sex?
-Patrick Sullivan

Susan: A real woman could stop you from drinking.
Arthur: It'd have to be a real BIG woman.
-Susan (Jill Eikenberry) and Arthur (Dudley Moore), ARTHUR

I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV

"Television? The word is half Greek, half Latin. No good can come of it."
- C.P. Scott