I am reading a most interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

"As easy as 3.1415926..."
-Unknown

A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to
rob it. The Quaker heard the noise and took his shotgun
downstairs. Upon finding the burglar he aimed his gun and
said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest
where I am about to shoot."

"Dr. Livingstone I Presume. The full name of Dr. Presume."
- Unknown

"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either.
In fact, why don't you just leave me alone."

"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the
mother said. "Where is he?"

"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much
about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If
he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."

"They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine
isn't all that communicative. I heard from it the other
day after I said, "Body, how would you like to go to the
six o'clock aerobics class?" Clear as a bell my body
said, "do it and die."
-Unknown

"Librarians always look like librarians who are trying not to look like librarians. Even librarians who try not to look like librarians look like librarians trying not to look like librarians."
-Unknown

A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.

"You appeal to a small, select group of very confused people."
-Message in a fortune cookie.

"Everybody should believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink."

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't."

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."
-Unknown

I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

I drove by the fire department the other day, and they had a big public awareness sign that read, "Are your house numbers visible?" I thought, "How about you just stop at the house that's on fire?!"

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and say thanks. Then when it isn't looking, give Life a quick knee to the groin. That'll learn him.

And remember, a candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.

College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink.

"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
-English Professor, Ohio University

"I think the pilot on my last trip was pretty new to his job. I base that on his pre-flight announcement, 'We're going to be taking off in a few... Whoa, here we go!'"
-Unknown

In a toyshop : One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom
system with the following message: "I have a customer by
the balls in the toy department who needs assistance.
"College is spending $100 for a book, and $300 to prove you read it."
-Unknown

"You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going."
-Unknown

"The difference between involvement and commitment is like a ham and egg breakfast. The chicken was involved, but the pig was committed!"

"You want us to do WHAT?"
-Ancient Chinese wall engineer.

Big cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anybody.

"In order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself: "MANKIND" Basically, it's made up of two separate words: "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean??? It's a mystery...and so is mankind!"
-Unknown

Two flies are sitting on a pile of steaming shit. One fly farts. The other fly says, "Do you mind, I'm eating."

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off.
After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.
Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.
I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.
Now I'm afraid to pee.

I once had a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control her pupils.
On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

Jesus walks into a tavern with 3 nails in his hand and says to the innkeeper
"Can you put me up for the night?"

"Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes your
anesthesiologist."

"Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
-Anonymous

"Ask a question and you're a fool for three minutes; do not ask a question and you're a fool for the rest of your life."
-Chinese Proverb

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Procrastinating is like masturbating: You're only fucking yourself.

"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity."
-Anonymous

In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.

Mama always told me girls are like a box of chocolate covered-cherries:
they can either be dark or light on the outside,
but they're always pink on the inside.

"There are two kinds of thinkers in the world. Those who think they can and those who think they can't...and they're both usually right."
-Unknown

A school boy was writing his memory verse for the day on the blackboard, "Do one to others as others do one to you."

Minister at a funeral service, "Friends, let us say goodbye to our beloved, departed friend. Let us remember that here lies only the shell--the nut has gone!"

"If all you have is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail."
-Unknown

Happiness is opening your refrigerator to find your mother-in-law's picture on the milk carton.

 
"Man who buy drowned cat, must pay for stinking, wet pussy."

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring and baggy clothes
was overheard telling a friend, "I don't really like to dress
like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere
with them."

I took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler. On my very first call, I introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll."
The man replied, "Yeeeah, and this is a street lamp!"

Did you hear about the cheap vampire hunter? He tried to kill a vampire by driving a pork chop through its heart because steaks were too expensive.

"Most people are really scared of werewolves but I bet if you saw one crying because the other wolves had made fun of him, you would probably feel sorry for him and try to pet him. That was my first mistake."
-Unknown

Sign posted in a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the
cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

"Here at First National, you're not just a number - you're
two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash, and another number."
-Unknown

Niets is zo eerlijk verdeeld als het verstand. Iedereen denkt er genoeg van te hebben.

"Any new venture goes through the following stages: enthusiasm, complication, disillusionment, search for the guilty, punishment of the innocent and decoration of those who did nothing."
- Unknown

Little girls grow to become young women. Little boys have a job for life!

Broken promises don't upset me.
I just think, why did they believe me?

At first I was frightened. It was so wide, and long, and went up at a slant.
I made the choice I would try it at least once.
I leisurely put myself onto it. It felt strange at first,
and then I became more familiar with it.
I went up and down, over and over again.
I found it to be fun and loved it.
Now I ride escalators all the time.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
We have, your honor. We find the man who robbed that bank not guilty.

Er zijn mensen, die denken dat ze denken, maar dat denken ze maar.

"I have an uncle Mo in Miami. Some people call him "Maurice," but no one -- and I mean absolutely no one -- calls him "The Gangster of Love."
-Unknown

If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands!

This goose walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down!"

Wie het laatst lacht, is traag van begrip!

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

I was sitting on the sofa with my teenage son, discussing his day at school. "Mom," he said, "there's going to be a dance at the school this Friday and it's going to be formal. Could I get a new pair of sneakers?"

Er loopt een blinde man langs een viskraam.
Zegt hij: "Dag dames."

"I was whipped so often as a kid, until I was eleven-years-old
I thought I was a dog team."
-Unknown 

His absence is good company.
-Scottish saying

A hole was discovered in the nudist colony fence recently.
Police are looking into it.

A plane landed at Little Rock, the voice from the loudspeaker said: "Welcome to Arkansas, please set your watches back eight years."

"He's called a broker because after you deal with him that's
exactly what you are."
-Unknown 

"A camel looks like a horse that was planned by a committee."
-Unknown

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evapor- ated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods
that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Yo momma got one eye, one arm, and one leg... they call the bitch UNO!

 The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground .... and miss

If a kid asks where rain comes from,
I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying,
another cute thing to tell him is
"Probably because of something you did."

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies.

Friends don't let friends drive naked.

Friends -- the people who stab ya in the front.

A word to the wise ain't necessary.
It's the stupid ones who need the advice

Hoe meer je leert.
Hoe meer je weet.
Hoe meer je vergeet.
Hoe minder je weet, dus waarom zou je nog leren?

"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'"
-Unknown

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio stations in Chicago... we're one of them."

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and fool on the other.

Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says midway down, "Well, I'm not injured yet."

I fell sorry for people who don't drink.When they get up in the morning that's as good as they're gonna feel all day.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Needless to say, one of the most successful inventors of all time was the man who invented the hay-bailing machine. He made a bundle.

Seen on the headstone of an atheist, "Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and no place to go."

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?

The sign said "eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Eskimoverhaal: Hij viel uit bed en brak zijn pyjama.

Fietsen is gezond, als automobilisten het gaan doen.

I gave my son a hint on his first day of high school. On his bedroom room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

"I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day."
-Unknown

We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good!

Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us.

Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"

Yo mama is so ugly...That your father takes her to work so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

On the door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Let us help you pick your nose."

"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."
-Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

Als al het andere faalt moet je de suggestie van je baas eens proberen.

Leerstof: stof dat vrijkomt bij afvegen van het schoolbord.

"Here's something that will really make you feel grown up," said a father to his teenage daughter, "Your very own phone bill."

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it was a valuable plant.
-Unknown

"After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident it makes you wonder about history."
-Unknown

Over het verschil tussen gratis en voor niks.......
Ik ben gratis naar school geweest en jij voor niks.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant kind of like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

De emancipatie van de vrouw houdt op wanneer haar auto het begeeft

Aan alle studenten: Word bokser, meer kans op slagen.

yo mama so ugly... She walked into a haunted house and came out with an application form

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.

You've been a very naughty girl! Now go to my room!

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;to steal from many is research.

The most tragic thing of life is not death, it is to live without living.

The supreme irony of life is that No one gets out of it alive

"If the phone doesn't ring, it's me."
-I've forgotten who said this

"Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?"

The great thing about living in a small town is when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.
-Irish proverb

De misdaad is al georganiseerd. Nu de politie nog.

There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.
- Chinese Proverb.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.


The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.


We child proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

EPT (early pregnancy test) - Blue means not pregnant. Pink means pregnant. Brown means you had it in the wrong hole.

Bij een tuinhek: Wij zijn vegetariërs, maar onze hond niet!

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

"I cried because I had no shoes, until i saw a man with no feet".

Is dit beleid of is hier over nagedacht?

Manager bij een peptalk: Afgelopen jaar stonden we aan de rand van de afgrond maar sindsdien hebben we een grote stap voorwaarts gemaakt!

I've worn contact lenses so long I can put them in with my eyes closed.

Bacon and eggs: A day's work for the chicken...a life-time investment for the pig.

Een postbode kwam bij de postdirecteur rapporteren dat hij die morgen door een hond was gebeten. - Heb je er iets op gedaan? vroeg de directeur. - Neen, antwoordde de brievenbesteller, hij vond het zo al lekker genoeg.

I said to my officemate "Man, your new girlfriend sure is big and ugly."And he says, "So is my dick, but that doesn't stop me from having a good time with it."

If you have sex with your clone, are you gay or are you masturbating?


Intuïtie is verstand dat haast heeft.


Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.


Don't worry about bad days, there are going to be plenty more of them.

There are two kinds of people in this world, and I am one of them.

"No, I didn't actually build it," said the beaver to the rabbit as they stared up at the immense bulk of Hoover Dam, "but it's based on an idea of mine."

I had an uncle who was the most polite man who ever lived. He was so polite, his tombstone reads, "Pardon me for not standing."

You can't spell "insanity" without "sanity"

time is money -- money that can only be spent!

a rose by any other name would still be called a rose

I never knew what the word 'epiphany' meant, until one day it just came to me

an unfinished thought is like....

Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- unless you never liked the person in the first place.

I'm only inconsistent some of the time

we figure opinions are like asses Everybody's got one and most of them stink.

Can you...
imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?

Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done

Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already tomorrow in Australia. Unless you're in Australia... (then start worrying)

we found out they now have Viagra in a nose spray
It's for Dickheads

Man to bartender: "I don't know why, but I've always found it difficult to make friends. Know what I mean, Dickhead?"

I want patience...and I want it now!

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

You might be a firefighter if you get all dressed up in plastic and it was not a sexual experience.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $2.00 at bowling alleys.

The more hair I lose, the more head I get!

Hard work never killed anyone...but why chance it?

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Police station toilet stolen...cops have nothing to go on.

Reality is the crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Always remember you're unique...just like everyone else.

Yo' mama is so fat when she walks across the room the radio skips.

"I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead."
-unknown

"Beverly Hills is so exclusive - it's the only place I've seen a Salvation Army band with a string section."
-Unknown

Voetganger: een chauffeur die een parkeerplaats heeft gevonden

Sometimes I need what only you can provide... Your absence.

Afgelopen winter was het zó koud, dat ik mijn advocaat over straat zag lopen met zijn handen in zijn éigen zakken!

Sign seen in our veterinarian's office: "All children left unattended will be given a free kitten."

The mother of three unruly young trouble-makers was asked whether or not she'd have children if she could do it all over again. "Sure," she replied, "just not the same ones."

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

Here's a bumper sticker I saw on the butcher's window at my local grocery store
Vegetarian: Native American word for "Lousy Hunter"

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.

I have a friend who is loyal, dependable, courageous, and strong. If he were only a dog, he'd be perfect.

Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, but it takes only 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole on the head.

"Schoolboy who mess around with school girl during wrong period get caught red-handed."

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people,and kill them.


Chaos, panic, and disorder; my job is done here.

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the people in his car.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.

We're born naked, wet, and hungry. . . .then things get worse.

Friends come and go, but enemies seem to accumulate.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature FOREVER!.

There are few problems that cannot be solved with the usage of high explosives.

The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember that amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

Time flies... after you hit the snooze button.

I stepped into the restroom at our company headquarters and
found this handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air
hand dryers... "Please push button and listen for a short
message from the Vice President."

Where the grass is always greener ....
Until you have to mow it

All my life I said I wanted to be somebody...I can see now that I should have been more specific.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind,...it doesn't matter.

Never raise your hands to your kids.
It leaves your groin unprotected.

If you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

"The airlines are working much harder to deal with the
problem of lost luggage. This morning I saw a picture of my suitcase on a milk carton."

If I had known my grandchildren would be so much fun I would have had them first!

Yo momma is so dumb...she thought manual labor was a Spanish person.

"Metaphors be with you."
-bumper sticker

My kids never understood my logic. Both of them failed to see why they had to go to bed when I was tired.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

Dankzij de afstandsbediening kan de tv-kijker zowel zijn horizon als zijn zitvlak verbreden.

I used to have a handle on life but it broke.

Bij vlagen ben ik geniaal... Helaas is het hier altijd windstil...