* Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

* I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it backfired and burnt my knob off.

* The toilet is blocked and we can't bath the children until it is cleared.

* The man next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.

* Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.

* Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we would like a third so will you please send somebody round to do something about it.

* Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head.

* Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The clergy have been visiting her........

* In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer with no results so far.

* I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing, is dead.

* Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going in to hospital to have her overtures out.

* Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children - one of which is a mistake as you will see.

* My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he finds he is lethargic to it.

* Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon I shall be obliged to live an immortal life.

* The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles about and I had them humanised.

* Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord and milkman.

* You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this matter?

* Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing but a hypodermic.

* In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

* I want my sick pay quick. I have been in bed under the doctor for a week and he is doing me no good. If things don't improve I shall get another doctor.

* I do not get any money from my son. He is in the army and his regiment is at present manuring on Salisbury plain.

* Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.

* Re your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are alright but those on my bottom are hurting dreadfully.

* I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.

* I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names. This was due to contraceptional circumstances.

* This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.

* The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?

Insurance Claim Form Gaffes

Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes. These are the collection made by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas mag.....
 

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow.

The questions and answers on the claim form were:

Q - What warning was given by you?

A - Horn

Q - What warning was given by the other party?

A - Moo

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an
elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose
concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face".

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."

"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car"

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth"

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

Letters to Islington Council's Housing Department


I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path.

My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I am still having trouble with smoke in my built-in drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife.

I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction.

We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.