LETTERS OF RECOMMENDATIONS FOR EMPLOYEES

For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed his career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."

For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to
put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work
for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled: "I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a
job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate
an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this
candidate or recommend him too highly."

Sign of the times

IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs

IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.

SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

15 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS:


1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings...they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. Plagiarism saves time.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

9. The layoffs will continue until morale improves.

10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

11. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

13. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

14. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

Ways To Annoy People


At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Insist that your e mail address be: 'xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com' or Elvis-the-king@companyname.com'

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.

Put your waste bin on your desk and label it 'IN.' (This is a 'must do')

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

Don’t use any punctuation

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

Ask people what sex they are.

Specify that your drive through order is "to go."

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing.

For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party 'cause you're not in the mood.

AnD tHe FiNal wAy tO aNnOy PeOple: Send this webpage to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you.

Employee Appraisals

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US corporation.



"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, ................ but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This employee is really not so much of a 'has been', but more of a definite 'wont be'."

"Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far, ..........and the sooner he starts, the better."

"Got a full 6 pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

"He's been working with glue too much."

"He would argue with a signpost."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ........he's the other one."

"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

"A prime candidate for natural deselection."

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isnt coming."

"Has two brains: One is lost and the other is out looking for it."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

"Its hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

"One neuron short of a synapse."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled."

"Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

How To Lose Your Job


Tell your boss the reason you were late was because you fancied a shag before work.
Stumble back from lunch, two hours late, pissed as a fart chanting 'The Venga bus is coming........"
Fart out last nights vindaloo during an appraisal and turn round to sniff the seat.
Photocopy your tits/arse and pin them on the notice board.
Ask the chief executive for some Rizlas.
Grow a cannabis plant on your desk.
Tell the boss you'll "Send the boys round" - if they don't authorise your pay rise.
Admit you traded in your company car for a two week shag-fest in Ibiza.
Set up your own S&M dungeon in the stationery cupboard.
Bring a sleeping bag to work for those little afternoon naps!
Pawn your computer because you're skint till pay day.
Ask the boss's wife "Have you noticed that one of your husbands balls hangs lower than the other".
Call the boss to your desk, call him "Sonny" and tell him his work isn't up to scratch.
Start a one-man/woman Mexican wave every time someone leaves their desk.

New Employee Manual.

Welcome aboard! You are one of our most valued new
employees. Enclosed please find some helpful guidelines to company policy.

OVERTIME - The Company has an optional overtime policy - you have the option of working forty hours of overtime or eighty hours of overtime.

PROMOTION - The Company rewards hard work and devotion. We like to think that if you work hard and devote enough time and energy to the company, you will be rewarded by being allowed to train the CEO's son when he is promoted to Vice President over you.

STOCK OPTIONS - You may buy shares in the company when it
goes public. So named because you'll be working in the stock room at Wal-Mart when the company goes belly-up due to your incompetence.

401k - This is how much money you'll lose under your "Stock Option" plan.

HELLTH PLAN - No, that isn't a misprint; you now belong to an H.M.O. That stands for "Hell's Medical Organization." It was organized by some of Hell's finest minds: Hitler, Genghis Khan, and Josef Stalin worked night and day to create a 162-page manual documenting the exact terms of your coverage, but it all boils down to three points:

1) You belong to the HMO. We mean that literally - as of
now, the HMO owns you. To insure that you don't forget your subscriber number, we will tattoo it to your forehead.

2) You have been assigned a primary care physician. You will not be told your physician's name. You may never see your physician. Your physician is imaginary. If you see any doctor without express written permission of your imaginary primary care physician, you will be forced to pay full price, plus eat your weight in lard.

3) You are not covered under this plan.