If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Puerto Rican name?



Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Who had the horrible idea of the word lisp having a 's' in it?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why is it in a film if you decide to start dancing in the street,
everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Isn`t it scary that doctors call what they do 'practice`?

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Commercials show you how detergents take out bloodstains.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals.
I think my wife is beautiful,
but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Wat is een pyrokleptomassorchist?
- Iemand die met een gestolen aansteker z'n lul in brand steekt.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

What's the difference between Light and Hard?
You can sleep with a Light on.

Actual Calls to a Pet Care Hotline....

"My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering.... how
many calories are in a mouse?"

"I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can
breed him?"

"Does your dog food help with emancipation?"

"What should I feed a borderline collie?"

"What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?"

"Is it normal for a dog to shed?"

"How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?"

"My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the
vacuum cleaner. Any suggestions?"

"How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?"

"Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?"

"Do you know how to toilet train a cat?"

"I have three cats. Is it true that [brand name] Cat Food makes
the poop smell better?"

"Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?"

"Where can I get a six-toed cat?"

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Bigamy, they say, is a vice, And more than one spouse is not nice. But one is a bore, I'd prefer three or four, And the plural of spouse is spice?

If it was true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

Are Lipton Tea employees allowed to take coffee breaks?

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

If you take an Chinese person, close his eyes and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

What did God say after creating man?

I must be able to do better than that.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Wordt de levensduur van voedsel nou werkelijk verlengd door toevoeging van al die chemische middelen, of lijkt het alleen maar zo omdat die van ons er korter door wordt?

- Als maisolie van mais wordt gemaakt, hoe zit het dan met babyolie?

- Als superlijm werkelijk alles vastlijmt, waarom dan niet de binnenkanten van de tube?

- Waarom moet je om een waarzegger te bezoeken een afspraak maken?

- Als het vandaag 0 graden is en morgen wordt het 2x zo koud, hoe koud wordt het dan morgen?

- Waarom worden mensen meteen geloofd als ze zeggen dat er aan de hemel 400 biljoen sterren zijn, maar als je ze vertelt dat de deurpost pas is geverfd is moeten ze voelen?

- Waarom bestaat citroenlimonade voor het grootste gedeelte uit kunstmatige middelen en zit er in afwasmiddel echte citroen?

- Met welke snelheid wordt het donkerder?

- Is er een ander woord voor 'synoniem'?

- Hoe zouden stoelen eruitzien als onze knieën aan de andere kant zaten?

- Waarom loopt je neus, terwijl je voeten ruiken?

- Waarom gaan vrouwen nooit alleen naar het toilet?

- Waarom worden voor ter dood veroordeelden in de VS steriele naalden gebruikt?

If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?
What do people in China call their good plates?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why is a bra singular and panties plural?

Did'ja know that it is illegal to have sexual relations with a porcupine in Florida?

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why do they call it a Hot water heater?
If the waters already hot, why heat it.
It should be called a cold water heater , right?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

'can I ask you a question?' Don't they realize that by asking they already asked?!"

Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead, to "cure" it?

Why do we wash bath towels-aren't we clean when we use them?

What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?

Ever wonder about people who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter,
then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape,
then why do whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what are fog horns made out of?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

If people from Poland are called Poles,
why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack?
What's a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts",
and you put your two cents in,
what happens to the other penny?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
It's just stale bread.

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the
Bible a whole lot more as they get older,
then it dawned on me . . .
they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered,
what do Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them
while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game",
when their team is winning.

Wat voelt een vlinder in zijn buik, als hij verliefd is?
Wat doen militairen in een burgeroorlog?
Wat moet zure room met een uiterste houdbaarheidsdatum?
Wat tellen schapen als ze willen slapen?
Houden ze op een theefabriek koffiepauze?
Wat als je je twee keer half dood schrikt?
Waarom heet een man met vieze praatjes tegen een vrouw een seksist, maar krijgt een vrouw die vieze praatjes ophangt tegen mannen, een gulden per minuut?
Wat is de snelheid van het duister?
Waarom draagt een kamikazepiloot een helm?
Waar zijn de eerste 6 up's gebleven?
Waarom is er Whiskas-kip, vis en rund en geen Whiskas-muis?
Als een schizofreen met zelfmoord dreigt, spreken we dan van een gijzelingsactie?
Is een volle harddisk zwaarder dan een lege?
Waarom geeft een antwoordapparaat nooit antwoord als ik iets vraag?
Als maïsolie van maïs komt en olijfolie van olijven, hoe zit het dan met babyolie?
Als zwemmen goed is voor de ontwikkeling van armen en benen, waarom hebben vissen dan geen armen en benen?
Waarom worden er sigaretten verkocht in benzinestations als het daar verboden is te roken?
Als je niet mag autorijden als je gedronken hebt, waarom hebben bars en cafés dan parkeerplaatsen?
Hoe gaat de bestuurder van de strooiwagen 's morgens naar zijn werk?
Als er niets blijft plakken aan Teflon, hoe wordt Teflon dan aan de pan vastgemaakt?
Waarom zegt men 'de wekker gaat af' terwijl hij eigenlijk aan gaat?
Waarom worden appartementen appartementen genoemd als ze allemaal aan elkaar zitten?
Krijgt een vis, net als mensen, kramp als hij vlak na het eten gaat zwemmen?
Waarom zit je achter een computer terwijl je er eigenlijk voor zit? (Je zit toch ook niet achter een tv?)
Waarom wordt fonetisch niet gespeld zoals je het zegt?
Hoe heten die harde plastic stukjes aan het eind van je veters?
Als een winkel 24 uur per dag en 365 dagen per jaar geopend is, waarom zit er dan een slot op de deur?
Waarom is het woord palindroom achterstevoren niet het zelfde gespeld?
De zwarte doos in een vliegtuig is onverwoestbaar, waarom wordt het hele vliegtuig dan niet van het zelfde materiaal gemaakt?
Zijn de wegwijzers naar een blindenschool ook in braille?
Wie heeft het melken van koeien ontdekt en wat dacht hij dat hij aan het doen was toen hij ermee begon?
Waarom vind je altijd maar 1 schoen langs de kant van de weg?
Waar blijft al het rubber dat van autobanden slijt?
Als een vlieg op het plafond landt, maakt hij dan een looping of een draai om zijn as?
Waarvoor zijn de witte halve maantjes op je nagels?
Een toastje met boter o.i.d. valt altijd met de besmeerde kant naar beneden. Wat zou er gebeuren als je dat toastje op de rug van een kat zou binden En de kat zou vallen?

What color does a Smurf turn when you choke him?

What's the difference between being hard up, and down and out?
About two minutes.

Did you hear about the woman who went to the automotive store to ask for a new dipstick, as the one in her car didn't reach the oil ?

If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around, is he still wrong?

God, grant me...
The Senility To forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight To tell the difference.

Why do they put a suicide watch on certain death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man your planning to kill, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him. Apparently just to piss him off.

The golfer and the caddy

Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so ma'am. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's
too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good ma'am, but personally, I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, Ma'am, it's a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, Ma'am."

"I think I deserve a raise," the man said to his boss. "You know...there are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"Well...the electric company, the phone company, and the gas company."

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a
hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with
women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live
to be a hundred for?"